4525 
B35S4- 







No. LXXIX. 

FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 



THE SERIOUS FAMILY 



IN THREE ACTS 



BY MORIilS BARNEfTT. 



WITH THE STAUE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARAC- 
TERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, ^ 

122 Nassau Street, (Up Stairs.) 



HODOgrapL 



FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA 

Price 15 Cents eacla.— Bound Volumes $1. 



VOL. 1. 

1 Ion 

2 Fazio 

3 The Lady of Lyons 
4, Richelieu 

5 The Wife 

6 The Honeymoon 

7 The School for Scandal 

8 Money 

VOL. II. 

9 The Stranger 

10 Grandfather AVhitehead 

11 Richard HI 

13 Love's Sacrifice 

13 The Gamester 

14 A Cure for the Heartache 

15 The Hunchback 

16 Doa Csesar de Bazan 

VOL. III. 

17 The Poor Gentleman 

18 Hamlet 

19 Charles II 

20 Venice Preserved 
31 Pizarro 

22 The Love Chase 

23 Othello 

24 Lend me Five Shillings 

VOL. IV. 

25 Virginius 

26 King of the Commons 

27 London Assurance 

28 The Rent Day 

29 Two Gentlemen of Verona 

30 The Jealous Wife 

31 The Rivals 

32 Perfection 

VOL. V. [Debts 

33 A New Way to Pay Old 

34 Look Before You Leap 

35 King John 

36 Nervous Man 

37 Damon and Pythias 

38 Clandestine Marriago 

39 William Tell 

40 Day after the Wedding 

VOL. VI. 

41 Speed the Plough 

42 Romeo and Juliet 

43 Feudal Times 

44 Charles the Twelfth 

45 The Bridal 

46 The Follies of a >-ight 

47 Iron Chest [ Fair Lady 
43 Faint Heart Never Won 

VOL. VII. 

49 Road to Ruin 

50 Macbeth 
61 Temper 

52 Rvadne 

53 Bertram 

54 The Duenna 

55 Much Ado About NotUng 

56 The Critio 

VOL. VIII. 

57 The Apostate 

58 Twelfth Night 

59 Brutus 

60 Simpson & Co 

61 Merchant of Venice 

62 Old Heads & Young Hearts 

63 Mountaineers [riage 

64 Three Weeks after Mar 

VOL. IX. 
6.1 Lore 

66 As You Like It 

67 The Elder Brother 
63 Werner 
69Gisii pus 

70 Town and Country 

71 King Lear 

72 Blue Devils 

VOL. X. 

73 Henry VTII 

74 Married and Single 

75 Henry IV 

76 Paul Pry 

77 Guy Mannering 

78 Sweethearts and Wives 

79 Perious Family 

80 She Stoops to Conquer 



VOL. XI. 

81 Julius Csesar 

82 Vicar of Wakefield 

83 I, cap Year 
8t The Catspaw 
85 The Passiug Cloud 
85 Drunkard 
87 Rob Roy 
83 George Barnwell 

VOL. XII. 
89 Ingomar 
9J Sketches in India 

91 Two Friends 

92 Jane Shore 

93 Corsican Brothers 

94 Mind vour own Business 
9j Writing on the Wall 

96 Heir at Law 

VOL. XIII. 

97 Soldier's Daughter 

98 Douglas 

99 Marco Spada 

100 Nature's Nobleman 

101 Sardanapalus 

102 Civilization 

103 The Robbers 

104 Katharine and Petruchio 

VOL. XIV. 

105 Game of Love 

106 Midsummer Night' 

107 Ernestine [Dream 
103 R^g Picker of Paris 
109 Flying Dutchman 

no Hypocrite 

111 Therese 

112 La Tour de Neslo 

VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland As It Is 

114 Sea of Ice 

i 15 Seven Clerks 

116 Game of Life 

117 Forty Thieves 

118 Bryan Boroihme 

119 Romance and Reality 

120 Ugolino 

* VOL. XVI. 

121 The Tempest 

122 The Pilot 

123 Carpenter of Rouen 

124 King' s Rival 

125 Little Treasure 

126 Dombey and Son 

127 Parents and Guardians 

138 Jewess 

VOL. XVII 

129 Camille 

130 Married Life 

131 Wenlock of Wenlock 

132 Rose of Ettrickvale 

133 David Copperfield 

134 Aline, or the Rose of 

135 Pauline [KiUaruey 

136 Jane Eyre 

VOL. XVIII. 

137 Night and Morning 
l38iEthiop 

139 Three Guardsmen 

140 Tom Cringle 

141 Henriette, the Forsaken 

142 Eustache Baudin 

143 Ernest Maltravers 

144 Bold Dragoons 

VOL. XIX. 

145 Dred, or the Dismal 

I Swamp 

146 Last Days of Pompeii 

147 Esmeralda 
143 Peter Wilkins 

149 Ben the Boatswain 

150 Jonathan Bradford 

151 Retribution 

152 Minerall 

VOL. XX, 

153 French Spv 

1 j4 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 
155 Evil Genius 
1.^6 Ben Bolt 

157 Sailor of France 

158 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actress 

160 Wedding Day 



VOL. XXI. 

161 All's Fair in Love 

162 Hofer 

163 Self 

164 Cinderella 
IGJ Phantom 
1C6 Franklin [Moscow 
167 The Gunmaker of 

163 The Love of a Prince 

VOL. XXIL 
169 Son of the Night 
170Rory O'More 

171 Golden Eagle 

172 Rieuii 

i'S Broken Sword 

174 Rip Van Winkle 

175 Isabclle 

176 Heart of Mid Lothian 

VOL. XXIII. 

177 Actress of Padua 

178 Floating Beacon 

179 Bride of Lamermoor 

180 Cataract of the Ganges 
18i Robber of the Rhine 

182 School of Reform 

183 Wandering Boys 
184Mazeppa 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New York 

186 The Victim3 

187 Romance after Marriage 
183 Brigand 
189Poorof New York 

190 Ambrose Gwinett 

191 Raymond and Agnea 

192 Gambler's Fate 

VOL. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 Majsaniello 

195 Sixteen String Jack 

196 Youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 

198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 

199 Miller and his Men 
'200 Aladdin 

VOL. XXVI. 

201 Adrienne the Actress 

202 Undine 

•203 Jessie Brown 

'204 Asraodeus 

'205 Mormons 

'206 Blanche of Brandywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 

VOL. XvVn. 

209 Americans in Paris 

210 VictoFine 

211 Wizard of the Wave 

212 Castle Spectre 

213 Horseshoe Robinson 

214 Armand, .Mrs Mowatt 

215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 

216 Glance at New York 

VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Inconstant 

218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 

219 Guide to the SUge 

220 Veteran 

221 Miller of New Jersey 

222 Dark Hour before Dawn 

223 Midsum'r Night's Dream 
[Laura Keene's Edition 

224 Art and Artifice 

VOL. XXIX 

225 Poor Young Man 

226 Ossawaitomie Brown 
■227 Pope of Rome 

228 Oliver Twist 

229 Pauvrette 

230 Man in the Iron Mask 

231 Knight of Arva 

232 Moll Pitcher 

VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Susan 

234 Satan in Paris 

.35 Rosina Meadows feas 

236 West End, or Irish Heir- 

237 Six Degrees of Crime 

238 The La^y and the Devil 

239 Avenger, or Moorof bici- 

240 Masks and Faces ) ly 



(Catalogue continued on third page of cover.) 



VOL. XXXI. 

241 Merry Wives of Windsor 

242 Mary's Birthday 

243 Shandy Maguire 

244 Wild Uats 

245 Michael Erie 

246 Idiot Witness 

247 Willow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 
VOL. X.XXII. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 

250 Lucretia Borgia 

251 Surgeon of Paris 

252 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 

254 Momentous Qucstinn 

255 Love and Loyaltv 

256 Robber's Mife 

VOL. XX.XIII. 

257 Dumb Girl of Genua 
:58 Wreck Ashore 

;59 Clari 

260 Rural Felicity 

261 Wallace 
'2G2 Madelaine 

263 The Fireman 

264 Grist to the MUl 

VOL. XXXIV. 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blake 
257 Steward 

268 Cap-ain Kyd 

269 Nick of the Woods 

270 Marble Heart 

271 Second Love 

272 Dream at Sea 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 Breach of Promise 

274 Review 

275 Lady of the Lake 

276 Still Water Kun3 Deep 

277 The Scholar 
273 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 

280 Last Man 

VOL. XXXVI. 

281 Belle's Strata^^em 
232 Old and Youug 
'283 Raffaella 

234 Ruth Oakley 
•285 IJritish Slave 
236 A Life's Ransom 
'287 Giralda 

288 Time Tries All 

VOL. XXXVII. 

289 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 

291 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

293 Neighbor Jackwood •^ 

294 Wonder 

295 Robert Emmet 

296 Green Bushes 

VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Flowers of the Forest 
•293 A Bachelor of Arts 

299 The Midnight Banquet 

300 Husband of an Hour 

301 Loves Labor Lost 

302 Naiad Queen 
.'503 Caprice 

304 Cradle of Liberty 
VOL. XXXIX. 
.105 The Lost Ship 

306 Country Squire 

307 Fraud and its Victims 

308 Putnam 

■;09 King and Deserter 

310 La Fiammina 

311 A Hard Struggle 

312 Gwiunette Vaughaa 
VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot [Judge 

314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 

315 The N'oble Heart 

316 Coriolanus 

317 The Winter's Tale 
8 Eveleen Wilson 

3l9Ivanhoe 

Jonathan In England 



RE^JCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. 
No. LXXIX. 



THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 



IN THREE ACTS. 



BY MORRIS BARNETT 



friTH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF OHARAOTBIli, 
COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK: 
8 A M TJ E F. K K E N C H. 

122 Na88A0 8trkst, .Uk Stairs.) 






CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Haymarket, 1849. Burton'$, N. r.,1341^ 

Charles Torrens Mr. Webster. Mr. C. W. Clarke. 

Captain Murphy Maffuire.. " J. Wallack. •♦ Eroughaiu. 

Frank Vincent " H. Vandenhoff ♦' S. Leach. 

Aminadab Sleek •' Buckstone. " Burton. 

Danvera •• Coe. " Wise. 

.Servant " Vox. 

Chtesta 

Lady Sowerby Creamly .... Mrs. W. Clifford. Mrs. Hughes. 

Mrs. Charles Torrent Miss Reynolds. " Russell. 

Emma Torrens Mrs. L. S. Buckingham. Miss J. Hill. 

Mrs. Ormsby Delmame " Fitzwilliam. •* Chapmao. 

Graliam " Caalfield. " Alderman. 

Ladies 






COSTUMES. 

MR. CHARLES TORRENS.— Black frock coat, black waistcoat, gray troiMfi 
fecund drsss: Black dress coat, black trousers, white waistcoat, dress hat. 

CAPTAIN MURPHY MAGDIRE.— Blue paletot, waistcoat and trousers. Suom4 , 

dress: Blue dress coat, waistcoat, and trousers. Third dress: Black dreM coal 
and velvet waistcoat. \ 

TKk^K VINCENT — ^Topcoat. Second dress : Dress suit. 

MR. AMINADAB SLEEK.— Gray suit. 

DAN VERS— Drab livery. 

SERVANTS.-Drab livery. 

GUESTS.-Dress suits. 

LADY SOWERBY CREAMLY.— Slate silk dress, white cap and apron. 

MRS. CHARLES TORRENS.— Gray silk dress. Seesnd dress: White ball drcH. 

MISS EMMA TORRENS White muslin, with blue silk jacket. Second drem: 

Scarlet gauze ball dress. 

MRS. ORMSBY DELMAINE— Puce velvet dress. Second dress: Blue gauM 
ball dress. 

GRAHAM.— Green De Laine dress, with pink apron. 

LADIES.— Ball dresses, various. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left. Doors 
8. £. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door, 



RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

B. means Right; L. Left; C. Centre; R. 0. Right of Ctntrtf 
L. C. Left of Centre. 






QiFT 

EST. OF J. H. CORNi'NG 
JUNE 20. 1940 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

♦* The Serious Family '*^ is a free translation of a French 
comedy entitled " Un Mari en Campaigne*' (A Husband in the 
Country,) which has been exceedingly popular in Paris for 
some months ; also in Germany, where it has been paraphrased ; 
and in England, at the Haymarket Theatre, whers its popularity 
exceeded the attraction of Macready or the Keans in their best 
characters. In America, its performance, at present, has 
been confined to Burton's Theatre, where its run has exceeded 
that of any other piece of the present day. It is extremely well 
played in all its parts at this popular house, and may be adduced 
«8 a fair specimen of modern comedy. 



THL SERIOUS FAMILY. 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — A drawing room, soberly hut suhstantially fur 
nished. At the rising of the curtain are discovered, 
seated at the table, r., covered with paper Sy Lady 
Creamly, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, and Mrs. Charles 
ToRRENs. Torrens, at table, l., as Secretary^ with pen 
in handy dozing. All are dressed in the most formal 
manner. 

Sleek. [Reading in a puritanical tone.] " We appeal 
to the disciples of true benevolence, and doers of good 
deeds, without distinction of politics, or party ; — we call 
an all to come forward in the great work of enlarged and 
universal civilisation." Hem ! What think you of that, 
my lady ? 

Itady G. These words give comfort to every fainting 
and world-worn spirit, good Mr. Aminadab Sleek. [ To 
Charles.] Write them down, my son. I protest he'g 
asleep ! The spirit is willing but — 

Sleek. But it sleepeth. 

Mrs. T. [Crosses to Charles.] Charles, what a shame to 
fall asleep at so sublime a passage ! 

Charles. Oh, dear, where was I ? [Reading.] " Like a 
Lion it roareth for its prey. " — " Benevolence and 
Charity." I have it. Forgive me. Lady Creamly and 
pious Mr. Aminadab Sleek : the fact is, between labor 
and watching, 1 lose a little of my rest, and nature will 
have her revenge. That will do for to-day, I hope. 

[All rise and come forward. 



8 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT 1. 

Sleek. We are all then decided on making this appeal. 
We will establish a deputation in every parish — the peti- 
tions are in course of preparation ; — and I trust I may be , 
permitted to accompany your ladyship, and my philan- 
thropic young friend, in their charitable round. 

Lady C. Too happy, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, to bo 
guided by your voice and encouraged by your presence 
— but we hope that another and a tenderer tie will soon 
bring our families more closely together. Your nephew, 
that pattern of special grace, that paragon of model 
propriety, will, before long, obtain the hand — 

SleeJc. [Aside.] And the fortune — 

Lady C. And the worldly goods of our dear Emma, 
the sister of our son-in-law. 

Mrs. T. And a happy girl Emma will be. What a 
gracious dispensation has been worked in her behalf ! 
Had we never met Mr. Aminadab Sleek, we should still 
be on the brink of the precipice of vanity — but the great 
work will be now perfected, by the union of his nephew 
and Emma. 

Lady C. Yes, beloved child, but let us not forget the 
important duty we have in hand. At twelve to-morrow 
morning we meet ; our son-in-law will read to our 
assembled friends his address of benevolence, and 
then — 

Charles. [Aside.] At twelve to-morrow morning. I had 
rather have had a day's shooting. 

Enter 'Emma, l. d., fashionably dressed. 

Emma. [Crosses to Mrs. Torrens.] Oh, dear ! oh, dear! 
such capital news ! he's come ! he's come ! 

Lady C. Well ! Miss Hoyden 

Mrs. T. How can you be so giddy, Emma; don't you 
Bee Mr. Aminadab Sleek, the mirror of piety — the 
charapion of — hem ! — the ciiampion of — hem ! 

[Emma salutes profoundly Mr. Sleek and Lady 
Crcamly, who regards her disdainfully. 

Charles. [Aside.] Very pleasant all this ; but I'll have a 
day's shooting, in spite of them. 

Emma, Oh, Charles, he's come — yonr old friend — the 
friend of all the family. I caught a glimpse as he gave 
bis card lo Danvers, and I ran to tell you. 



fcKKE I] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 9 

Enter Servant, he presents card to Charles, Mrs. Torrent 
takes it, and hands it t€ Lady Crcamly, who passes it 
to Sleek, who reads aloud. 

Sleek. " Captain Murphy Maguire." 

Charles. Maguire ! my old friend Murphy — the best 
fellow in the world ! — show him in, Danvers. 

Lady C. A little moderation, son-in-law. Shall we, 
Mr. Sleek 1 Shall we, my child 1 

Sleek. A captain, and an Irishman ! — um 

Lady C. A libertine ! 

Charles. [Aside.] A fellow after my own heart. [Aloud.] 
He might have been so formerly, but he is now changed. 
He belongs to a serious regiment. 

All. Oh ! 

[Lady Creamly, Mr. Sleek, and Mrs. Torrens, bow 
gravely to each other. 

Lady C. Admit him. 

Emma. How happy I am! I was a child when he saw 
me last, and I am now — 

Lady C. Still a child ; you will please retire to your 
chamber — no remonstrance. 

Mrs. T. Go, child ! [Exit Emma, l. d., impatiently. 

Lady C. Receive your visitor, Mr. Charles Torrens. 
[ Charles comes forward, the others retire to tables, ana 
appear much occupied with the various papers. 

Enter Captain Maguike, c. 

Capt. My dear Charles ! 

Charles. [In his natural manner.] What, Maguire !— my 
old friend! [Shakes his hand violently; the party at the 
back look on with contemptuous astonishment.] Why, it's 
an age since I have seen you ! 

Capt. Yes, my dear boy, an absence of four years — 
Calcutta — West Indies — capital station — glorious cigars 
and whiskey toddy — a little tanned, eh 1 the steam of the 
gold has spoiled the natural brilliancy of my com- 
plexion. 

Charles. Still the same — the same gay, rollicking, sound- 
hearted old fellow ! Not married % 

Capt. What me ! bound in the rosy bonds of that young 
fibber paddy Cupid ? No, thank heaven ! 



10 THE SERIOUS FAMILY [i| ,» 1 

Lady C. ) 

Mrs. T. ^ Oh!! [Groaning. 

Sleek. ) 

Charles. [Aside to him.] Softly, softy, old fellow. 
[Resumes his starched manner.] Permit mo, Captain Murphy 
Maguire, to present you to Mrs. Charles Torrens, the part- 
ner of my present joys and future hopes. Eve, my dearest, 
allow me to present you to my oldest and best friend, 
Captain Murphy Maguire. 

[Mrs. Torrens hows coldly, hut graciously, 

Capt. I am delighted to make your acquaintance. 
[Grosses to her.] Charley and I are old friends — I rejoice 
at his good fortune 1 Charley, your wife's a first-rate 
angel. You'll excuse my freedom, madam, but what I 
think I say. 

[Mrs. Torrens smiles and appears pleased ; Sleek and 
Lady Creamly exchange doleful glances. 

Lady C. [Aside to Mrs. Torrens.] Don't answer him. 

Sleek. [Aside.] A profligate I 

Capt. You're a lucky villain, Charley ! — what eyes ! like 
a general illumination I — what a shape ! she's a model for 
a Venus ! 

All. Oh! ! [Groaning. 

Charles. [Pulling Mm hy the coat.] What the devil are 
you about? 

Capt. [Looking with astonishment at him, and the formal 
faces at the table.] What's the damage, and what have I 
done, and what have I said ? You're wife is a beauty, and 
what I think I say ! Why, you're not jealous, Charley 1 
But, where is Emma — my little Emma — the little rosebud ? 

Lady C. [Rising, and bowing sti^y.] Miss Torrens, sir, 
is with her governess in the library. 

Capt. Upon my honor, I meant no offence. I should 
have said Miss Torrens; but Charles and I are such old 
friends, and have seen such roaring times together, and— 

Charles. [Interrupting.] My mother-in-law. Captain 
Murphy Maguire, Lady Sovi^erby Creamly. 

Capt. [Bows very low.] I have the honor. [ Crosses to her ] 
Very proud, I assure you — Charley's friends are mine. 

Lady C. [ With cold disdain.] You overwhelm me with 
the weight of the honor. [ Takes a book and reads, 

Capt. [Aside to Charles.] The old dromedary in the 



gcBNB l.J THE SERIOUS FAMIt /. 11 

|)epper and salt is the father-in-law, 1 suppose. A trifle 
the worse for wear, but the heart is in the righ! place, 1 
hope 

Charles. [Aside.] Pull up, old fellow ! That's Mr. Amina- 
dab Sleek,perpetualmemberofthe borough of Solemncolly, 
and a great gun at Exeter Hall. \ Aloud.] Captain Maguire, 
this is my excellent and mo.st worthy ally, Mr. Aminadab 
Sleek, the especial friend of this family — the friend of the 
poor — the friend of all the world — [Aside.] — who give good 
dinners, and have rich daughteis to marry. [Crosses to l. 
[Sleek hows sloivly ; M(Jguire runs up^ and shakes hiin 
heartily by the hand. 

Capt. Delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Oh, 
we shall be the best friends in the world ; only wait till I 
get you snugly seated before a steaming jug of whiskey- 
punch, and behind a full-flavored havannah, and I'll be 
bound to take vhe wrinkles out of you. 

Sleek. ) 

Lady G. > Oh ! ! [Groaning. 

Mrs. T. S 

Capt. Well, Charley, here I am, and here I mean to 
stay. [Sits l. of tahle.] I have a week's leave of absence, 
and so I thought I'd run up and see my old friends. I 
Bay, old fellow, you are well tiled in. I suppose you've a 
room where we can sling a hammock. With your leave, 
ladies, what I think I say. 

Lady C. Sir ! 

Mrs. T. Certainly. [All rise and come forward. 

Charles. [Embarrassed.] Oh ! cerlainly. 

Capt. 1 couldn't think for a moment, Charley, of stop- 
ping at an hotel, while you have a house in town ; we 
have so much to say — to talk over old times, you sinner ! 
Oh ! don't be alarmed, ladies ; a reformed rake always 
makes a good husband, and Charley, certainly, was the 
devil's own boy ! 

Mrs. T. My husband a rake ! 

Lady C. Impossible ! 

Capt. I have brought you, Charley, a case of regalias 
that would make the Queen of Spain's mouth water. I 
know you of old, you robber! — a dozen a-day ! 

Charles. Be quiet ! will you 1 [Pulling him by the coat, 

Capt. What's the matter] — [Lady Creamly, Mrs. 



12 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT 1 

Torrens, and Sleek exchange looks.] — One can have a 
bit of luncheon, I suppose, a sandwich, or the wing of a 
cold fowl; the air of this September morning has made 
me as hungry as an ostrich. 

Charles. Certainly. Eve, my dear, luncheon for Cap. 
tain Maguire. 

Capt. Have you any of the old Madeira left 1 Eh ! 
Charley, boy, we remember the time, how we used to 
punish that same Madeira; but we're all changed. I am 
getting old, and you are married. The Madeira is older, 
too, and that's a compensation. 

Lady C. [Crosses to r.c] Captain Murphy Maguire, I 
am loth to interfere, but my son-in-law neither smokes nor 
drinks Madeira. A cigar is his aversion, and he has taken 
the pledge. 

Capt. The what! 

Sleek. Yes ; he has taken the pledge, and got a medal. 

Cliarles. [Aside.] I have, the deuce take it; but I'll 
have my revenge. A day's shooting — a first-rate regalia — 
and a bottle of the old sort. [Aloud.] Yes, Captain Maguire, 
you will find me a changed man. I learned from Mr. 
Sleek that all pleasure is vanity, and all drinking vexation 
of spirit; and from Lady Creamly, that with sorrow and 
sighs, the world passes pleasantly enough. [Moregaily, and 
crosses to c.J Still we must get our luncheon. Let me go. 

Lady C. Let me remind you, Mr. Torrens, that ten 
copies more of the circular must be written out; and 
that you have promised to assist Mr. Aminadab Sleek. 
[ 2\) Captain.] I will take care, sir, that you are comfortably 
served. [ To Mrs. Torrens.] Come, my child ] 

Capt. Really, I give you too much trouble. I am quite 
in despair. 

[Lady Creamly salutes him most deeply. He bows; 
Charles groans ; and Mrs. Torrens smiles for an 
instant y and then assumes her formal manner. 

Lady C. Come, my child ! 

[Exit Lady Creamly, with Mrs. 'Torrens, c, 

Charles. [Forgetting that Sleek remains.] They're off, and 
now for it ! 

Capt. (l.) Charley, your wife is elegant. She's a darling 
creature ; but I don't know how it is — are you happy in 
your home ? there seems every now and again a sort of 



Scene 1 j THE SERIOUS FAMILY. IS 

dingy cloud coming over the natural sunsline of your 
nature. Your wife's charming ! Ah ! now I recollect — 
Sir Charles Creamly was your guardian ; you married his 
daughter ; and thus settled his accounts, 

Ck'irles. The truth is, I married because my guardian 
so arranged it. I lead a life — but never mind. I am in for 
it. The fact is. my wife is a little too grave. She belongs 
to what is styled a serious family. 

Ca/H. A fellow like you marrying into a serious family ! 
ha! ha! that's beautiful. [Sl^ek groans.] Oh! murther, 
what have I said 1 

Charles. [ Changing his tone.] Yes, Captain Maguire, we 
are all serious here. 

Capt. But you may be too serious. A charming crea- 
ture, like Mrs. Torrens, should be seen driving a pony- 
chaise in the Parks, or dispensing the rays of her beauty 
from the opera-box. And at your time of life, Charley, 
this gravity is infernal folly. Get out of it — cast it from 
you. Would you grow old before your time ? Bad luck 
to your sober-sided, muddy-minded people ! I hate your 
Caiitwell's ! Am I not right, Mr. Sleek 1 

[Crosses and slaps Sleek on the hack. 

Charles. [Aside.] His lines have fallen in pleasant places 
— Cantwell, indeed ! 

Capt. He musn't lock up his wife ; the young creature 
will mope herself to death. — You are of my opinion, ar'nt 
you, sir ] 

Sleek. [Down c] Um ! They say that bachelors* wives, 
and maidens' children are always well managed. Pray, 
are you entered into the moral estate of wedlock, Captain 1 

Capt. No. 
[Changing his manner, as though annoyed by an «»- 
pleasant re?niniscence. 

Sleek. Nor engaged 1 

Capt. No; I've been infernally jilted by the greatest 
rascal of a coquette that ever was sent into the world to 
plague the heart out of a man — a woman I loved better a 
thousand times than my own life. 

Sleek. Um ! You have been jilted 1 

Capt. Your're right there, Mr. Sleek ; but, as I couldu't 
call her out, I took my revenge, -ind went to sea. 

Sleek. Um ! And the sea has cooled your passion ? 



14 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [AcT », 

Gapt. To be sure it did, Sleek ; and now I hate het 
more intoleiably than ever I loved her. 

Sleek. Um ♦ No danoer of a relapse ? 

Capt. Not a bit of it, Sleek ; for to save myself from the 
one, I make love to twenty. And I've come to London to 
take a round of dissipation ; and, for that reason, I stay 
with my old friend — for he knows every spot on the cards. 
Eh ! Charley, my boy, we'll have a roaring time of it. 

Enter Servant, c. 

Ser. Luncheon, sir. 

Capt. That's your sort — faith, Tm as hungry as a 
hunter ! Come, Charley. 

[He is having the room, followed by Charles, hut the 
latter is stopped by Lady Creamly and Mrs. Tor- 
rens, who enter at the same time, 

"Lady C. One moment, Mr. Torrens — [Captain followt 
the Servant.] — you will take these letters to the directors; 
and return in half-an-bour, as we want to arrange a 
visiting for this evening? 

Charles. Certainly, Lady Creamly. [Aside.] I'll have 
a day's shooting, [Exit c. 

Sleek [Crosses to c] At last we have a moment to our- 
selves, dear ladies. Unpleasant consequences will arise 
from this unexpected visit. 

Lady C. What an acquaintance for my son-in-law ! 

Sleek. A perfect Absalom ! 

Mrs. T. Well- looking and gentlemanlike, but evidently 
too much attached to the wicked world. 

Lady C. A libertine ! 

Sleek. That's not all, dear ladies. Let him be profli- 
gate as he pleases, and we shall strive for his conversion ; 
but he is in love with a coquette, by whom he has been 
deceived. 

Mrs. T. Poor young man ! 

Sleek. And obliged to visit the metiopolis, he is deter- 
mined to console himself for an unfortunate passion by 
going through an extended circle of dissipation ; in short, 
he is about to visit his old haunts of vice and sorrow, and 
for this he seeks in this virtuous mansion, he says, the 
former companion of his sinful pleasures, It suffices to 
turn my blood to verjuice. 



acEKE 1] TELE SERIOI S FAMILY. 15 

Lady C. The wretched person I 

Mrs. T. And my Charles the former companion of hig 
pleasures ! — a lamb ! — an angel of goodness ! — a man 
who never leaves his own home, except for a day's shoot- 
ing. Then, certainly, he is not to be controlled — once 
the coveys are out, my husband will not stay at home. 

Sleek. He always is after the coveys ! But what is to 
be done ? 

Lady C. [ To Mrs. T.] Child, all this is your fault — yes, 
your fault — your want of firmness and decision. 

[Nods to Sleek. 

Sleek. Yes, certainly, honored madam, it is all your fault. 

Lady C. When the abominable man said he was come 
to take up his quarters here, you should have recollected 
that there was not one room unoccupied. 

Mrs. T. What ! a friend of my husband's ! — a gentle- 
man that Charles is always speaking of, and whom he so 
well received ! 

Lady C No matter ; the presence of a libertine will 
compromise all our reputations. Your rooms should 
have been all occupied. 

Mrs. T. But dear mamma, the truth — [Crosses to c. 

Lady C. Ah, my dear, the truth, when it is useful to 
be told — 

Sleek. My honored friend is right; all depends on 
circumstances. We make a great distinction betweea 
saying what is not and not saying what is, according to 
the object and intentions — this is high morality. 

Lady C And in this case our object is to rescue my 
Bon-in-law from the society of a person — 

Sleek. Whose example and perfidious counsels would 
open an abyss before him. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Lady Creamly ! 

Lady C. Bad example is dangerous — 

Sleek. And the human heart so weak, my honored 
friend. You hear that it is the intention of this person 
again to seek the acquaintance of those friends, from 
whose pernicious example you have withdrawn the hus- 
band of your bosom. He is so weak he would again bo 
led astray, and — 

Lady C. And then — 

Mrs. T. My poor Charles ! But T certainly shall not 



16 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [Acr \ 

permit a stranger, a peisoii entirely u'aknown, to coma 
and lead him away from his good habitfi. But what is f- 
be done 1 what plan can be devised] Aid me with your 
counsels. 

Sleek. It is almost too late. 

Ladi/ C. The only plan I can suggest is to request this 
person politely to go — politely — about his business — 

Sleek. Politely. 

Mrs. T. I understand you ; but how is that to be done 1 
I could not dare attempt it. If you, my dear mamma, 
would take it upon yourself. 

Lady C. Impossible, my child ; it would look like dic- 
tating to you in your own house. 

Sleek. That is very true. 

Mrs. T. Well, then, Mr. Sleek, you will do it. It will 
add to the obligations we already owe you. 

Sleek. Excuse me ; these Hibernians are of such 
explosive natures, that it is quite possible he might forget 
m.y size, and the respect due to it. Mr. Torrens himself 
would be the proper person. 

Lady C. No, that cannot be; they must not meet ; and 
to make the matter more sure, we will send Charles for a 
few days in the country. 

Mrs. T. He goes too often already, mamma. 

Lady C. That is the wisest plan ; and in the mean 
time, we will adopt a coolness of manner towards this 
intruder, which will make him more circumspect, and 
give him no inclination to remain in a house where the 
principles of those in it are so different from his own. 

[Capt. Maguire speaks without. 

Sleek. Ha ! here he comes, the sinful man of sanguin- 
ary war ! 

Enter Captain Maguire, c. down r. 

Capt. Upon my faith, your substantial hospitality lays 
me under infinite obligation. Bette*- port I never tasted. 

Lady C. [Crosses to Maguire, austerely. \ Captain Murphy 
Maguire, I have important orders to give, and am on the 
point of — [Exity bowing very stiffly ^ c. 

Capt. \Looks astonished, hut bows profoundly in return. 
He then turns to Mrs. Torrens.] Then to -"^ou, my dear 
madam, the wife of my old friend — 



•CIWK I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 17 

Mrs. T. Following Lady C, and lowing in the most 
precise manner.] You must also excuse me. Captain Ma- 
guire ; I shall be too late for the meeting. [Exit. 

Capt. [Looks more amazed, hut hows to the ground^ then 
turning to Sleeky goes up to him and offers his hand in a 
cordial style.] Well, Mr. Sleek, the ladies appear to be 
monstrously engaged ; the pleasure of entertaining me is 
reserved for you. 

Sleek, (r.) [ Taking out his watch.] Excuse, me, sir, I 
have not an instant to lose. The meeting cannot com- 
mence without me. 

[Looks angrily at Maguire, and exit, c. 

Capt. What the devil does all this mean ? Oh, if that's 
the case, there's not a word to be said. Does it mean 
the cold shoulder? Is it to cut me they mean 1 But I'll 
not believe it — it's impossible, and what's impossible is 
not in nature. Oh, Charles Torrens, wife, and family, 
wouldn't be capable of behaving so shabbily to his old 
friend. Wait awhile. Captain Murphy Maguire, and syl- 
logize a bit. This is a serious family. There's the old 
lady, as stiff as a ramrod, and as grey as an overall. Mr. 
Sleek, a shuffling, canting old robber; and the pretty 
Mrs. Torrens, with her sweet face, charming air, and 
saint-like look ; and then Charley himself, instead of the 
free-hearted, devil-may-care fellow 1 knew him at college, 
has become as solemn and demure as a volume of " The 
Pilgrim's Progress." There is a mystery in all this, 
which must be unraveled ! 

^MMA peeps on. 

Emma. He is quite a.lone. [Runs in.] Ah, dear Captain 
Maguire ! 

Capt. [Not recognizing her.] On my faith, I am greatly 
flattered by your recollection, but really — 

Emma. What, don't you know your old playmate, 
Emma 1 

Capt. Is it possible ! You, the darling little Emmy 
that I left a child, and who now, I must say, is a very 
charming young lady? 

Emma. [Pouting.] No, I am not a charming young 
lady ; I am a very disagreeable, unhappy creature. * I am 
sure I am very ugly. 



18 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. £ACT i 

Capt. Oh, miss, don't be profane ! 

Emma. They say crying makes one ugiy, End I weep 
all day long. 

Cai^t. Come, dear Emmy, you must confide all your 
little sorrows to your old friend. 

Rmma. Yes ; but if they heard me — if Lady Creamly 
knew that 1 was here ] 

Capt. Look up, and you'll never be cast down. Don't 
tremble; am I not at your side] — your old friend; and 
besides, there's your brother Charles. Come now, tell 
me what's the matter, and what is going on in this house. 

[ Tlity sit 

Emma. There is nothing going on, and that makes it so 
miserable. Day follows day, and are all the same ; no 
pleasure, no balls, no horticultural fetes, no opera — always 
Bermons and scoldings. I am moped to death. 

Capt. Oh, 1 understand, Lady Creamly is a strict disci- 
plinarian? 

Emma. Oh, horribly severe. 

Capt. But Mrs. Torrens, your sister-in-law, who is 
young, and appears mightily amiable? 

Einiiia. Oh, 1 am sure, I do not say she would not be 
so, if my brother Charles were to act differently ; but all 
he thinks of is to accompany Lady Creamly on her seri- 
ous visits, or read some charitable circular to his wife. 

Capt. Oh, oh ! 1 see where the wind blows. Charles 
was never famous for strength of mind, or firmness of 
purpose, and he gives way rather than have domestic 
dissensions. 

Emma. But the best of it is, whenever he is what they 
call backsliding, they send him out of town, and he seenjs 
delighted ; and then I am left all alone. 

Capt. But that won't last long — you are sure to marry. 

Emma. No, that's the worst of it, they won't let me 
marry — that is to say, to the man of my choice — your old 
acquaintance, Frank Vincent — but they want to trump 
up a marriage with a nephew of Mr. Aminidab Sleek — 

Capt. What, a nephew of Mr. Aminadab Sleek 1 

[ They rise, 

Einma. Whom I detest frcm the bottom of my heart. 

Capt. Sure your brother will never suffer that ? 

Emma. Oh, my brother counts for nothing in this 



Scene I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 19 

house. The fact is, they have forbidden Frank to come 
here, and I am sure he is dying, if not dead. [Sobbing, 
Capt. Nonsense, darling, you are both of you too 
young for dying. Cheer up, and let us see if we cannot 
restore your brother to common sense, and have you mar- 
ried to Frank Vincent, in spite of Lady Creamly, and 
that old pepper-and-salt dromedary, Sleek. 

Enter Charles, gaily, down c. 

Charles, Thank the fates, it's over! I have been bored 
to death with their hypocrisy and cant. And now, oU 
fellow, what's, to be done, and where are we to begin 1 

Capt. Before we commence our campaigning frolic, I 
have something serious to say to you. My old young 
friend, Emma, has been letting a little daylight into the 
family secrets ; and I find that you are not actually the 
master of your own house — and that you are peaceably 
led by the nose by your mother-in-law, and that drome- 
dary, old Sleek, without a snort or a kick. 

Charles. It's all very well talking — anything for a quiet 
life. I did make a determined stand at first, but they 
attacked me in front and on both flanks, and I was glad 
ultimately to yield at discretion. The only consolation 1 
have is, that I get away every now and then, and have a 
day's shooting. 

Capt. That's all very well as far as yourself is concern- 
ed, but what becomes of our sweet friend, Emmy, here, 
who you allow to be sacrificed to the canting son of a 
thief of that greedy old rhinoceros, Aminadab Sleek 
because you haven't the decent courage to say no ? 

Charles. Sacrificed ! Why, it's an excellent match ; 
and this is the first time I have heard that Emma dislikes 
him. 

Emma. I hate and abominate him, and nothing but 
force shall ever make me consent to the match. 

Capt. That's right, my little Caesar, stick to your colors 
like a little hero, as you are. [To Charles.] And over 
and above, there is a large lump vif an attachment to 
another, and that other is none other than Frank Vincent 
— ah ! now don't blush, Emma ! — and a smart boy is that 
same Frank Vincent. Come, Charley, you must be a 
man, and stand up for youi- sister's rights. 



20 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. fAcT 1 

Charles. I have no objection, I am Emma's guardian^ 
and if she says no, her inclination shall not be constrained. 
But I have had a hard card to play; and if you knew 
what an obdurate person Lady Creamly is, and what in- 
fluence she has on my wife — why, the very sound of her 
voice frightens ma ! [A voice is heard wU/wut.\ Damn it ! 
here she is — stick by me, old fellow ! 

Emma. Oh, dear ! I must not be caught here — I leave 

my cause in your hands ! [Runs off l. 

[ The voice of Mrs. Torrens heard without. 

Charles. No, heaven be praised! it's my wife; and 
now, Maguire, I am a man again. Leave me with Eve, 
and I'll speak to her more roundly than I have ever done. 
She has an excellent heart, and is attached to me, as well 
as to Emma. 

Capt. Stick to that, Charley, boy ! A man should bo 
master of his own house, and a good wife have no other 
wish than his. Don't spare powder, and the victory's 
your own. 

Charles. Yes, that's very true, but if my mother-in- 
law — 

Capt. Don't be chicken-hearted ; and in order to leave 
you* a fair field, I'll retreat. [Enter Mrs. Torrens down 
R. c. To her.] At your feet, madam. [Boivs, and exits c. 

Charles. [Aside.] He's right — very right! Why should 
I be affraid 1 Atrer all, 'tis but a woman, and that 
woman my wife. And if it be true that Emma detests old 
Sleek's nephew, why should she be forced to marry 
him ! 

Mrs. T. [Aside.] Since my mother assures me that the 
presence of Captain Maguire is dangerous to my husband, 
he certainly shall leave. 

Charles. My dear Eve ! 

Mrs. T. My dear Charles ! 

Charles. I am overjoyed to see you, fori wish to speak 
tc you on a very important affair. 

Mrs. T. That's just what I have to do with you ; and I 
fear what I have to say will annoy you a little. 

Charles. That's just the case with what I have to say; 
but when it concerns the happiness cf — 

Mrs. T. You are perfectly right. 

Charles. And then »{ c understand each other so well. 



SCBKE I] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 



21 



Mrs. T. [Aside.] I think 1 may safely speak. 

[Place i chair 9x 

Charles. [Preparing to spea/c] Eve, dear — 

Mrs. T. My dear Charles, you know how necessary it 
is in married life for people to understand each other — 

Charles. Certainly. 

Mrs. T. And many things that appear strange at first, 
are perfectly clear when you come to explain them — 

Charles. Just what 1 was but now remarking to Cap- 
tain Maguire. 

Mrs. T. Maguire, my love? Why, he can have no 
idea — 

Charles. Indeed he has; and it was even he who 
suggested me to speak to you. 

Mrs. T. That is very strange, for really we were at a 
loss how to break the subject to him. 

Charles. Oh, as to that, he is perfectly well informed ; 
md 1 really do not think, after what has passed, that we 
3an give Emma to Mr. Sleek's nephew. Do you, my 
love? 

Mrs. T. That's not our aflfair, Charles: mamma will 
arrange all that with Mr. Sleek. But I do hope that you 
will make Captain Maguire understand that — 

Charles. Oh, as to Maguire, he's the best fellow in the 
world, he will refuse me nothing. 

Mrs. T. In that case our difficulties are all over. You 
have merely to tell him that instead of taking up his 
quarters here, he will go to Long's, where I have no 
doubt he will be quite at his ease. 

Charles. What ? turn Maguire out of doors I An old 
friend— [Rises 

Mrs. T. A libertine. 

Charles. A capital fellow. 

Mrs. T, But my reputation, Mr. Torrens. Is it fit that 
a character like Captain Maguire should live under the 
same roof with your wife 1 

Charles. Oh, lord ! oh, lord ! [Puts chairs hack. 

Mrs. T. Fie, Charles; and besides, the thing is im- 
possible. You are going out of town ; it is settled vou 
are to have several days' shooting. 

Charles. [Eagerly.] Am I going out of town? And 
when has this been settled, my dear ? 



2? THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [AcT I. 

Mrs. T. Why, my mother and Mr. Sleek have talked 
the thing over, and they find that the easiest way of 
arranging the matter. 

Charles. Oh, that's quite a different affair. Now I 
begin to understand you — if I am to go into the country— 

Mrs. T. Why, you seem quite excited ! One would 
almost say you were glad to leave us. 

Charles. Oh, no, my love ; I am only thinking how ad- 
mirably my absence will get you out of this dilemma. 

Mrs. T. Then you will" go to-day ] 

Charles. To-day! \ Aside.] Capital! 

Mrs. T. Yes, let it be to-day. 

Charles. The sooner the better. 

Mrs. T. The better ] 

Charles. Why, yes, dear, yes; mamma can say to 
Maguire what I could not, and my absence would be ail 
excuse for everything. 

Enter Lady Creamly and Sleek, c. 

Mrs. T. I am glad you are come, dear mamma ; you 
have no idea how reasonable Charles is. 

Sleek. \Aside.\ Reasonable with a T. 

Lady C. It is better late than never ; and 1 cannot 
understand why Mr. Torrens should ever hesitate, even 
for a moment, to follow the counsel and advice of those 
who have only in view his advancement — 

Sleek. In moral philosophy and utilitarianism. 

Charles. [Aside.] Another lecture ! [Aloud.] Why, Lady 
Creamly, as you say, you and Eve mean nothing but my 
good ; and though it is a little hard that I should be 
be separated from an old friend, still, as you and utility 
desire it, I consent. 

Ladi/ C. You are wise, in this instance ; for it is 
evident that a young man without the principles of 
utilitarianism — without morality — 

Sleek. Addicted to the gilded and evanescent follies of 
modern go-a-headism — 

Ladi/ C. Could not remain under our re of without 
giving public scandal — 

Sleek. Public scandal ! 

Mrs T. Oh; mamma! Charles feels all that n>w 
sensi))!/. 



HCZVM I.] THE SERfOUS FAMILY. 23 

Charles. But how can I send him away ; 1 can never 
Bumraon up nerve to do so. 

Lady C. That shall be my pleasing duty. 

[Captain is heard giving orders. 

Sleek. Here the champagne anti-peace man comes, 
[Aside.] I know the effervescing q:ialities. 

Cap. [ Without.] That wll do, Danvers — take care of 

my luggage. [Enters.] Here I am, ladies. I never travel 

with much luggage ; one article is enough for me — mor«» 

than one is inconvenient, and weighs heavily upon the mind. 

[ They all bow very gravely y and Charles speaks aside 

to him. 

Charles. Don't be offended, old follow, at whatever 
occurs ; you shall have a note in half an hour at Long^s. 
\ To ladies.] I fly to obey your orders! Poor Maguire ! 
[^5zWc.J Vive la liberte ! and a good day's shooting. [Exit c. 

Lady C. [Stiffly.] Captain Murphy Maguire, Mr. and 
Mrs. Charles Torrens and I are very much annoyed that 
a little difficulty has occured, which will prevent us the 
pleasure of receiving you here. 

Mrs. T. We are most reluctantly obliged to say — 

Sleek. Yes, we are most reluctantly obliged to say — 

Lady C. That there is not a single room disengages ; 
!the only spare one was yesterday promised to a friend of 
Mr. Aminadab Sleek. 

Sleek. Mr. Tarquinius Jumbo, a serious colored gen- 
tleman from the interior of Africa. 

Capt. In that case, then, my dear lady, as there is no 



LadyC. J ^j^y^ ^^^yy_ 



Capt. I presume you don't want tny company ; and, 
as I cannot but believe that black isn't white, the only 
plan left, ladies, under the existing circumstances of the 
case, is to make a retrograde march back with my 
luggage to Long's Hotel. 

Lady C. We are quite in despair. 

Sleek. In despair — 

Lady C. At our seeming want of hospitality. 

Capt. Don't breathe it, ladies — nor groan it, my little 
patron of Tarquinius Jumbo ; among friends such trifling 
accidents must be taken in good part. For the present. 



W THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 



LAOT 11 



[ hay© the pleasure to wish you good day, but I'll call 
•often, and remain a long while — good day ! Poor 
Charley! [Exit, 

hady C. Thank heaven ! it's all over. 

[Sinks into a sent, using smelling-bottle^ and fanning 
herself with handkerchief. 



END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

ScKNE I.— J. drawing-room, splendidly furnuhed. Dooii 
R. and L, 

Enter Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine and Graham, l. d. 

Mrs. D. Has any reply been sent from Mivart's, 
Graham 1 

Gra. No, ma'am ; Jones has just returned, and says 
that Mr. Fitz-Foley has not been at Mivart's the last 
fortnight. 

Mrs. D. How very odd ! That creature is never to be 
found when he is wanted. 

Gra. Don't be uneasy, ma'am ; it's true he's never to 
be found at his hotel, but then at seven, he never fails to 
show his handsome face, when invited, 

Mrs. D. Yes, Graham, he is very handsome, and ex- 
ceedingly amiable, though at moments his wild merriment 
runs away with his discretion. I have often thought, 
since that abominable captain so ungallantly struck hi? 
colours, that Mr. Fitz-Foley might very well take hif 
place in my affections. 

Gra. Indeed, and why not, ma'am? A lady of your 
charming disposition, and large wealth, has a right to 
choose; and who better could you choose, than the young, 
handsome, well-dressed, white gloved, polish-booted, Mr. 
Fitz-Foley % Law, ma'am ! 

[As she speaks, voices are keardf that of Charles Torrent 
predominating. 



•rcirs I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 25 

Charles. [Outside.] Nonsense, that will never do— that 
will never do ! 

Ser. [Outside.] But, sir, we are only ten at table. 

Charles. [ Outside.] Twelve, I say, old Wilson, two dozer 
of Claret, one of Hock and Moet's Champagne, a dia 
crction. 

Gra. There he is, ma'am ; there's his pianoforte voic* 
ordering; as usual, the best in the cellar. 

Mrs. D. The monster ! he has never once asked for 
rae. 

Enter Charles Torrens, r. dressed in the highest fashion, 

Charles. That Wilson is positively a Goth of the 'premier 
force ! My dear Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine, only imagine, 
he wants to ice the champagne before drawing the corks, 
the heathen ! Well, dearest widow, you look radiant j if 
I were a woman, I would poison you. 

Mrs. T>. [Laughing.] Ever the same superabundant 
gaiety ; I protest, if you do not get steady, I shall be 
obliged to close my doors. 

Charles. My dear Mrs. Delmaine, not a word, or you will 
drive me to prussic acid, hair triggers, or Waterloo Bridge. 
Why, if the champagne were not properly iced, your 
character would be damaged for ever. And moreover, 
my reputation is at stake to-day, for I have taken the 
liberty to invite a friend, knowing that any friend of mine 
will be well received by you. 

Mrs. D. Is he young, handsome, and clever ? 

Charles. All three ! 

Mrs. D. Then he must be a \-ery dangerous young man 
to introduCiC. 

Charles. Never mind — one rival more. If I die, let me 
die of a surfeit. 

Mrs. D. Where have you been concealed all this time 1 

Charles. In Belgium, in France, Vienna, Comome, 
Moscow, and Egypt. 

Mrs. D. I have sent twenty times to Mivart's, and you 
were never to be found. 

Charles. No wonder ; I was at Constantinople. 

Mrs. D. No, no such thing ! You were neither in 
Belgium, France, Vienna, Comorne, Moscow, Egypt, or 
Constantinople. You were nearer home than that ; for. 



26 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [Act II 

only a few days since, to please some count 'y friends, 1 
went to hear the new lecturer in the city, on the subject 
of universal charity, practically considered ; when, who 
should I see, but &he gay, fashionable, and all accom- 
plished Fitz-Foley, listening as demurely as some old 
Barebones^ and at the end of the lecture, giving his arm 
with the greatest propriety to an ancient dowager, who 
looked as if the charitable arguments that had entered her 
ears would find some difficulty in reaching either her 
heart or her pocket. 

Charles. Impossible ; an optical delusion ! 

Mrs. D. It was a fact, and no optical delusion or illu- 
sion. 

Charles. Ah ! now, by-the-bye, I do 1*80011001. I had 
just left my banker's, and, curiously enough, passing by 
the place, an old lady fainted, when I chivalrously offered 
ray arm, and — 

Mrs. D. Pray don't attempt to excuse yourself; indeed, 
I like you the better for the wish to be instructed in 
any act of true benevolence ; and for my own part, 
thoughtless and volatile as you may think me, it is ever 
with a feeling of real pleasure that I contribute what I 
can afford to any desei-ving purpose or object of charity : 
and to prove it, I am now considenng in what way I can 
best assist the views of some estimable persona who have 
to-day favored me with this circular. 

[Hands him one of his circulars, 

Charles. [Aside.] Whew ! one of my own circulars ! 
Extremes meet ! [ To her.] But dear Mrs. Delmaine, at 
what time is dinner ordered ? 



Enter Graham, abruptly. 

Gra. Ma'am, Lady Pompous, Mrs. Culverin Grampus 
and Admiral Bowsprit are in the drawing-room. 

Mrs. D. Pray excuse me for a few minutes ; I am sorry 
to run away from our agreeable tete-a-t^te, but I must go 
and be amiable to our visitors, as they expect it of me. 
Oh, what victims we are ! how the real comforts of the 
heart are obliged to be sacrificed to the exigencies of the 
world ! I shall expect you to join us without delay. 

^Exit Mrs. Delmaine. 



JCSM£ I.] THE SERIOUS FAMIl Y. 27 

Charh^. Graham, I wonder your Jady ia not ashamed 
to have so handsome a maid. 

Gra. Lord, sir, how you do talk! [^He puts M$ arm 
round her waist] Oh, sir, how you are pressing, pae ! 
You always disremember that Madam is my mistress. 

[He kisses her. 

CJiarles. That's for your mistress — thal's for you. Vive 
lajoie ? Kiss me again, you Venus in a striped muslin ! 
[At this moment Cajft. Maguire enters. Graham 
runs out. 

Capt. " Halves," Charley. Am I awake? Why, what 
a change has taken place. Ton my word, you're dressed 
within an inch of your life. 

Charles. Not a word, my dear fellow ; this is my shoot- 
ing-dress-^not bad, is it, Maguire 1 Curling-irons and 
cold cream, " Stultz and style — versus sermons and soda- 
water, long faces and short glasses. 

Capt. But where am J ?, I received your note. With 
whom am I to dine. 

Qharles. With an angel-^with the dearest, . pret^^est, 
wittiest, most fascinating widow in the world; a friend of 
mine, and of all pleasant, dashing fellows like me. The 
fact is, my dear boy, here 1 am at home. TJiis is my .pre- 
serve, where I take my day's shooting. 

Ca^^. And your wife, jigLjQd.;y,our mother-ii^i-l^w— that 
paragon of perfection ? 

CJiarles. Hush ! shut sesame ! Not a word ; in this 
house I am a baphelor; I leave my wife and all my sor- 
rows in Harley Street. The truth is, Maguire, since I 
married, I have been a miserable man^that ,is to say, 
when I am at home. I have no. will of my own; the 
house is governed by that infernal Aminadab Sleek, and 
that tigress Lady Creamly. I behaved like an angel the 
first year ; sighed and groaned, early and late ; escorted 
my mother-in-law regularly to Exeter Hall ; but every 
concession made her more arrogant and more exacting 
It was all in vain ; so I determined to be happy in mj 
.pwn way. I take an occasional week's absence, undei 
pretence of visiting our estates in Leicestershire, and 
when the shooting begins I am selcon^ to he fqund at 
home. 

Capt. I perfectly underSitand you. 



28 THE*SERIOUS FAMILY [ACT II 

Charles. Then, Maguire, you know my mother-in-law 
and ray wife have given up the world ;. the Parks, the 
Opera, and every place of fashionable resort, is deemed 
by them as abominations. I keep on my rooms at MivaTi.'fl. 
I indulge in the society of a few valued friends, such aj 
my channing widow, and, hitherto, I, have escaped su^ 
picion or detection. 

Capt. But, this charming widow 1 

Charles. You are sure to fall in love, old fellow ; I 
have secured you a place by herside at dinner, and when 
the champagne works, I defy you to resist her fascinations. 

Capt. Charles, you are an audacious and extx-aordinary 
fellow. Fortune favours the bold ; but have a care, you 
are playing a dangerous game for your own peace of mind. 

Enter Mrs. Delmaine, not aware of the presence of the 
Captain. 

Mrs. D. My dear Fitz-Foley, what can keep you 
here ? — Wilson cannot get on without you. 

Charles. I fly at your commands. But first let me pre- 
sent you one of my dearest friends — [Pointing to the Cap- 
tain^ whose face is averted.] — an unfortunate devil, who, 
between you and me, is suffering from a violent attack of 
heart-sickness, and who has come up to London to go 
through a course of pleasure, which the faculty have pre- 
scribed as a positive panacea for his peculiar disease. 
Captain Murphy Maguire — [Mrs. Delmaine starts.] — Mrs. 
Ormsby Delmaine. [The Captain turns^ recognises her, 
appears annoyed, hut preserves his composure ; Charles, 
not perceiving their embarrassment, continues.] There, 
good people ; in this house there is no ceremony. As for 
me, I fly to see that the champagne be well iced, and full 
justice done to Mrs. l)elmaine's preparations. 

[Exit Charles. 

Capt. This is a mighty strange accident, madam, that 
has brought us again together. My friend has taken me 
quite by surprise. I must own, 1 was not entirely pre- 
pared for so unexpected a rencontre, with one by whom 
I have been so shamefully treated. 

Mrs. D. No, Captain ; 'twas I that was so shamefully 
treated. 

Capt. Treated ! Didn't you treat me with indifTorenc© t 



Bemn I.] THE serious family. 20 

Mrs. D. Didn't you harrass me with suspiciona t 

Gapt. Didn't you cause me to go to seal 

Mrs. D. Didn't you cause me to think of another 

CapL And haven't I been trying to do the same to 
twenty others? 

Mrs. D. Oh, there, there — we parted with a quarrel, 
and we meet again in the same pleasant manner — I must 

say, you're a discontented , 1 was going to make use 

of a hard word, but I won't. 

Capt. That's right; triumph in your victory — your 
levity does not astonish me. You are the same gay, 
thoughtless, cold-hearted woman of the world as ever. 

Mrs.'D. And you are the same warm-hearted, hot- 
headed, well-meaning, but wrong-thinking man of the 
world as ever. And now let me ask you, for 1 know not 
what right you have to complain — 

Capt. Ah, never mind the right — when I have the 
reason. 

Mrs. D. And for what reason have you the right to any 
special consideration from me 1 

Capt." Would you have me put down all the items ? 
Faith, a ream of foolscap wouldn't contain them. Mrs. 
Ormsby Delraaine, you are an ungrateful woman. 

Mrs. D. And Captain Murphy Maguire, you are an un- 
grateful man. I confess, that at one time I was silly 
enough to feel some esteem for the honesty of your 
character, and the independence of your mind ; but I soon 
discovered you to be jealous, and so exacting, that I 
dreaded to entrust my happiness to your hands. 

Caft. Her waist is taper, 

None is completer ; 
Like the tuneful nine, or the lambs at play; 

And her two eyes shining, 

Like rowling diamonds, 
And her breath as sweet as the flowers of May. 

■ m, 

Mr*, D. But he was surly, 

And all hurly-burly, 

When tb »re was no occasion for such display ; 

The man to please me, 

Must never teaze me, 

But be kind and mild as a fine and pleasant 

Mo ruing in the month of May. 



^0 THE SERIOUS FaAiILY. 



f Act II 



No, sir, yotirs is not the disposition to suit mine. Your 
friend, Mr. Fitz-Foley, indeed— 

Cajpt. I entirely agi-ee v/ith you, that my friend, Mr, 

'Fitz-Foley, has a million good qualities — indeed, I may 
say, first-rate qualities ; but you see mother nature has 
not cast us in the same elegant mould. 

Mrs. D. Well, I'm glad to hear you acknowledge his 
good qualities, and your liberality is a credit to your taste 
and judgment, and I begin to think ive may at last a^ree 
in our opinions ; and now, to admit you into my confi- 
dence, allow me to confess, if ever I should marry again 
-^mind, I only say " iF' — I will say that Charles Fitz- 
Foley, from what I have seen of his temper. His manners, 
and his general character, is j ust the husband that would 

■ Suittne. 

Capt. [Bursting into a laugh,] What! Charles your 
husband] Oh ! upon my honor, that is' something impos- 
sible — beyond all possibility 1 

v " Mrs. D. Really, sir, I do not comprehend the cause of 
yonr pleasantry ; Mr. Fitz-Foley possesses all the quali- 

Capt. Which, of Course, I do not possess. I give you 
much joy of your choice ; but the bells will hot ring in a 
hurry for that marriage, I prbmise you. 

Enter GrAham. 

Gra. I beg pardon, ma'am, there are two ladies who 
insist on seeing you. They hive not come to dinner, but 
say they have something very particular to say to you. 

^Exit Graham, 
^apt. Then, madam, with your permission, we will 
resume this interesting discussion after dinner. Fitz- 
Foley ! — the female deceiver !— a day's shooting ! ha ! ha ! 

Exit Captain, n. 

Enter Lady Creamly and Mrs. Torrens, l. 

Lady C. I hope, madam, yoU will excuse this intrusion, 
but I believe you are prepared for it by bur circular. 

Mrs.D. Oh, certainly, madam, and I feel much flattered 
by the perm-issicin you have accorded to me to contribute 
to so excellent a \Vork. [Observes Mrs. Torrens.\ Surely 



8C£9E 4.| THE SBmOUS FAMILF. 31 

I am not mistaken ! Is it my dear schoolfellow, Eve 
Creamly ? 

Mrs. T. Is it possible, my dear Harriet ! I heard you 
were married, but we live so much out of the world that 
I really did not know to whom. 

Lady C. So, you, madam, and my daughter are old 
friends. In that case I will take the liberty of leaving 
Eve with you for a few minutes, while I go to Lady 
Dismal, in the Square, who has promised me- a liberal 
8u)bscriptiQn, which Mr. Sleek is in waiting to receive. 

Mrs. D. Do, dear madam, I have a thousand things to 
Bay to Eve. 

Lady C. 1 shall return very shortly. 

[Exii Ludy Creamly, 

Mrs. D. Well, dear Eve, I am delighted to see you ! 
Tell me all about your dear self. Are you single or 
married, and if married, to whom? 

Mrs. T. Oh, yes ! I am married, and to a most worthy 
and amiable creature ; a little too fond of the world at 
first, but now he listens, tharik heaven, to reason. And 
you, my dear Harriet 1 

Mrs. D. I am a widow, child-^that happy, independent 
being, a widow ! * . " 

Mrs. T. Ah, Harriet 1 yoi^, were always too fond of 
the world, 

Mrs. D. And you. Eve, always too demure, Iremena- 
ber, when we were school-girls, how you used to sit and 
mope over some dreary book, while the rest of us were 
romping, laughing, singing, and enjoying existence, like 
happy madcaps as we were- 

Mrs. T. Ah ! I recollect. \Srghing, 

Mrs. D. Don't look so solemn, dear; miserable people 
may groan and talk of this ** wicked world," but there are 
many warm and affectionate hearts in it for all that, and 
many things to love, and worth loving, too ; and there are 
beauties of hill, dale, river, and mountain, to which it 
would be ungrateful to close our eyes. If we have 
clouds, have we not sunshine ] Then are we always to 
be solemn and gloomy /? No, my dear, there is more real 
virtue in kindness, cheerfulness, and goodness of heart 
than in, all the cold and canting solemnity that was ever 
Dut on as a mask for selfishness. But to hear, dear Eve, 



32 THE SERIOUS lAMILT 



[Act II 



that you are happy, give,3 me unalloyed pleasure, 

Mrs. T. Now, Harriet, tell me the truth ; have you any 
idea of exchanging your life of boasted liberty for the 
more reasonable one of wife. 

Mrs. J). Why, my dear, if I must be candid, I think 
my boasted liberty is in jeopardy, as I am, at this very 
moment, persetuted by two men. The one a noble- 
minded creature, full of heart and jealousy ; the other a" 
gay, joyous, rattling soul, sent into this world to torment 
and to teaze me. But one of them, I candidly confess, I 
intend to have. 

Enter Captain, r. 

Capt. Mrs. Delmaine, you are particularly wanted, and 
I apologize for the liberty of disturbing your tete-d-tete, 
[Sees Mrs. Torrens.] Oh! murther! Mrs. Torrens ! 

Mrs. T. Is it possible'^ Captain Murphy Maguire ? 

Mrs. D. Oh ! good people, as I find you know each 
other, I can have no difficulty in leaving you ; Eve will do 
the honors for a few minutes for me. [Exit Mrs. Dehnaine. 

Capt. [Aside."] There'll be a conflagration ! Pray, Mrs. 
Torrens, may I take the^liberty to ask you if Mrs. Ormsby 
Delmaine knows your husband's name % 

Mrs. T. I'm sure I don't know ; I suppose so. 

Capt. And may I take the liberty of enquiring what 
brought you here ? 

Mrs. T. I came with Lady Creamly. 

Capt, And your husband 1 

Mrs. T. Oh ! Mr. Torrens is in Leicestershire. He has 
gone down for a few days* shooting. 

Capt. [Aside.] Oh ! damp powder and spring guns ! 
Are you quite sure of that 1 Now for a stroke of deli- 
cate diplomacy ! To speak frankly with you, my dear 
Mrs. Torrens, would you think it possible that your hus- 
band has not gone dows to Leicester for a few days* 
shooting ; but, on the contrary, remains in town to get 
rid of the domestic tyranny of his mother-in-law, Lady 
Sowerby Creamly. ^ 

Mrs. T. Charles not gone ! tyranny 1 

Capt. That's the true word ; and be sure, Mrs. ToiTens, 
all tyranny is the same ; it makes people either hypocritei 
Qx liars, and, upor. my faith, sometimes both. 



SCBWE 1 1 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. ^3 

Mrs. T Sir, I fulfil all my duties. 

Capt. Who doubts it, my dear lady ? Not I, upon my 
faith ! but there is something more than duty in this 
life ; and a man's home must not be turned into a piison, 
nor every pleasantry be put down as a crime. Charles 
Torrens, before his marriage, was a decent-hearted, 
large-souled fellow, partaking handsomely of the plea- 
eures of life, and never, I honestly believe, sullying 
his* mind by its vulgar vices. He was a true gentle- 
man. And what has he become under serious treatment ? 
Why, one half the month a hypocritical puritan, and 
what he is the other half I leave you, Mrs. Torrens, 
to find out. 

Mrs. T. But 1 am not to blame. It is not my fault. 

Copt. Yes, my dear Mrs. Torrens, and it is very much 
your fault. Oh, I can easily understand it. It's as plain 
as the Horse Guards. You are an excellent wife but a 
better daughter, and you sacrifice your husband to your 
mother. 1 am speaking, perhaps, too freely, but what I 
think I say. But surely it must have struck you that 
Charles will seek from home the pleasure he is denied at 
home. 

31rs. T. Oh ! that's quite impossible. Mr. Torrens is 
incapable of wronging me in so base a manner. 

[ Torrens is heard singing gaily ^ Mrs. Torrens starts, 
and the Captain turns aside to conceal his laughter, 

Charles.' [Outside.^ The coup d^ mil is superb ! Maguire, 
where are you % [Running in.] My angelic Mrs. Delmaine, 
come and see if the effect is not magnificent ! [Seeing 
Mrs. Torrens.] My wife ! 

Mrs. T. Charles, in the name of common sense, what 
brings you here, and dressed, too, in this extraordinary 
manner ] 

Charles. My dear, I was just going to ask what brings 
you here 1 

Capt. Oh, Mrs. Torrens is come for an answer to 
the begging letter — I beg pardon, I mean the charity 
circular. 

Charles. [Aside.] A capital thought! [Aloud.] And so 
have I, my love, I have come for Mrs. Delmaine's sub- 
set iption. 

Mrs. T. No, Charles, I am injured and deceived t 



34 THE sEHTona familt. „ lA in 11 

Take me away! [Greatlij agitated:]^! stffle in this 
house ! ■ ^ [Crosses to R. 

' Enter Mrs. Delmaine. 

Mrs..D. What, going so soon, Mrs. Torrens 1 
Mrs. T. [Pointing to her husband.] That wicked man— 
Mrs. D. Wicked man ! Why, that is one of the gentle- 
men I spoke of, and I rather think he is the favorite. 
Mrs. T. My husband ! Your favorite ! 
Mrs. D. Your husband ! Oh ! [Shrieki, 

Capt. [Aside, laughing.] Oh ! It's beautiful ! 
Charles. [Aside?^ I am in for it ! This is a nice day's 
shooting ! 

Finter Lady Creamly a7»<i Sleek, r. 

Ladxj C. Come, Mrs. Torrens, we have many more 
calls to make. [Sees Torrens. 

Sleek. We shall be too late for the Timbuctoo Amelio- ' 
rgtion Meeting. 

Lady C. In the name of all that is wonderful ! Mr. 
Torrens ! my son-in-law ! Is it possible ! 

Sleek. Morally impossible, but ocularly a physical 
fact. 

Lady C. Why, sir, we thought you were in Leices- 
tershire. 

Charles. Yes, Lady Creamly ; but unexpected business 
brought me to town. [Aside^ Caught in the fact. [Aloud,] 
You perceive that-^-hem ! — that — that — 

Mrs. T. [Co?ning to his aid.] ThditCho-rles, seeing our 
carriage at the door, had the kindness to stop and offer 
you his arm. [ Charles offers his arm. 

Capt. She'll do — she's an angel \ or, what's better, 
a true woman ! She can tell a white one with the best 
of us. 

Lady C. [Crosses to R. c] All this must be explained ; 
but, for the present, I consent to be satisfied. 

Charles. [Aside.] Here's an end to my sporting ex- 
cursions. 

Sleek. Then the birds he sent us from Leioestershiro 
were from a London poulterer. They'll lie heavy on my 
conscience. 

Mrs. i). [Aside.] I want to know who is the dupe 1 I 



Sci^X I] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 35, 

am determined to solve the riddle. [Aloud.] I thank you, 
ladies, for the honor you have conferred upon me, and I 
beg your acceptance of the widow's mite. 

[Crosses to Lady Crtamly, offering her subscription. 
Lady C. Many thanks, dear madam, [Taking the money.] 
very many thanks. Come, my child, take your husband's 
arm, 

Mrs. D. Perhaps good Mr. Sleek, in return, will cast 
his benevolent eyes over a little appeal that has been left 
here for my consideration. 

[Giving a jyaper to hady Creamly, %oho hands it to 
Sleek. 
Sleek. \ Taking the paper, looking at it.] Oh. dear ! 
Lady C. What, is it, Mr. Sleek 1 

Sleek. A petition from the parlor of a profane public- 
house, in behalf of the widow of a laborer, who lost his life 
last week by an accident, that has left his widow and six 
children destitute — um — [Looking at Lady Creamly.] — I 
don't think we can. 

Lady C. I am afraid not. 

Sleek. Believe me, my dear madam, we deeply sym- 
pathize with the case, but we are now making a collec- 
tion for the benighted Choktongs of Passamaquoddy, and 
l|tf ren't a farthing to spare. [Returns the paper, 

Judy C. Adieu, my friends ! 

iMxit R. Lady Creamly and Sleek, Torrens and Mrs 
Torrens following. Captain Maguire and Mr»^ 
D'^taalne laughing, and the curtain Jails. 

END OF ACT SECOND. 



SC THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [Act 10» 



ACT 111. 

Scene I. — Drawing-room. — Folding doors c.—^Door» 
R. and L. 

Enter Captain Maguire, r. 

Capt. I've declared war; and here I am in the midst 
of the enemy's camp. Charley must be saved; Mrs, 
Torrens taught to know her own happiness ; my young 
friend Emma rescued from the clutches of Aminidab 
Sleek; and Frank Vincent made one of the family. And 
here comes the darling little Emma. 

Enter Emma, l. 

Well, darling, what has happened in my absence? 

Emma. Oh, Captain Maguire, the house is in a state of 
mutiny and disorder. Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamly are 
furious at my brother. Mrs. Torrens is sobbing )ike a 
child ; and as for me, I am very unhappy indeed ; for I 
do not know what it is all about, or what is to be'H)m« 
of me. 

Capt. Ah, you shall be well taken care of V 

Em7na. I understand that Lady Creamly is detemr'ned 
to hurry on my match with that odious nephew of Mr. 
Sleek, and that we are all invited to dine to-day at his 
sister's, to settle the preliminaries. 

Capt. Now stand at ease ! attention ! I am going- to 
play a bold game, Emma, and I want your assistanre ; 
but you must promise xiomplete obedience. Are *we 
agreed 1 

Emma. Oh, yes. Captain. I will do exactly what y »u 
tell me. 

Capt. Well, then, first and foremost, we are going *i 
give a ball here to-night. 

Enuna. A ball ! 

Capt. Call it a dance if you will — to some hundred, rr 
bundled and fifty particular acquaintances. So, go aifi 
look :)ut your prettiest dress and make yourself as sm^'t 



SCEBK I.j THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 37 

as possible, for probably you will have a partner to youx 
own mind. Here comes the person I expected. .. 

Enter Frank Vincent, r. 

Frank. My dear Emma, how long it is since I have 
seen you. 

Capt. Halt, there! there's no time at present for tender 
protestations. 

Emma. Oh, dear ! I'm quite alarmed ! — If Lady 
Creamly should come ! 

Frank. Who cares for Lady Creamly? I'm sure I 
don't. 

Capt. Or old Sleek ] 

Emma. Who cares for Mi*. Sleek 1 I am sure I don't. 

Capt. [Listening at the wing.] To be sure, we all don't. 
Hush ! here they come — Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamly 
[Emma screams and runs about the stage, Frank appean 
eonfused.] Sure, you are a pair of heroes ! Come back, 
you little fluttering love bird ! Mr. Sleek and Lady 
Creamly are better engaged. Now, Frank, have you 
executed all my commissions % 

Frank. Punctually, Captain. The invitations have 
been all sent. Gunter has provided a first-rate feed, and 
Jullien's band is engaged. In the course of an hour 
everything will be ready. 

Capt. And the note to Mrs. Ormsby Delmaine? 

Frank. Here is her answer ; I met Mr. Toi'rens in the 
square. He was furious that she was not at home. 

[ Gives note, 

Capt. [Opening the note.] The angelic widow is all 
right ; she understands me. Now, Frank, see that every- 
thing is in readiness for 10 o'clock precisely. [Exit Franks 
R.] And as to you, Emma, you had better see after your 
toilette, as I see Mrs. Torrens coming, and I wish to have 
some serious confabulation with her. [Exit Emma^ l. 

Enter Mrs. Torrens, r. 

Capt. I have waited to have the pleasure of seeing you, 
my dear Mrs. Torrens. Excuse my abruptness, but wa 
must have a ball here to-night. 

Mrs. T. A ball ! 

Capt. That's the second I've shot with the same ball. 



jS* the serious family. [Act ML 

Mrs. T. Impossible ! 

[Enter servant, and annoimces Mrs. Orvishy Dehnaint, 
Capt. And, d propos, she is the very first guest I have 
invited. 

Enter Mrs. Delmaine, r. 

Mrs. D. Well, here 1 am, Captain Maguire, an unex- 
pected and probably an unwelcome visitor to Mrs. Charles 
Torrens ; but when you tell me my presence is required 
to render an important service to my dear friend and 
schoolfellow, I cannot hesitate, even though I transgress 
a little the strict laws of etiquette. 

Mrs. T. You are ever welcome to this house, madann, 
though I am bound to say that I cannot exactly under- 
stand in what way your services are required. Probably 
Captain Maguire, who undertakes the economy of my 
house, will be able to explain, or rather Mr. Charles 
Torrens, my husband, who, according to your own admis- 
Bion, is received as a claimant for your hand. 

Mrs. D. My dear Eve, lay aside for a moment your 
feelings as an offended woman and apparently injured 
wife. I am convinced that Mr. Torrens, though gay and 
thoughtless, loves you sincerely, and that you alone pos- 
sess his heart. 

Capt. What you say is quite true, Mrs. Delmaine ; and 
it is for the purpose of convincing Mrs. Torrens that it 
depends entirely on her own conduct to secure her 
husband's love and society, that I have ventured to take 
the liberty I am now doing, and that I have summoned 
you to my aid. 

Mrs. T. It would appear that I am to be placed on my 
trial ; well^ I will submit with a good grace ; so pray open 
the court and proceed to business. 

Capt. Then, Mrs. Torrens, I charge you with driving 
your husband from his natural home, and forcing him to 
seek those pleasures abroad which every man of the 
world expects to meet in his own house. Are you not 
aware of the temptations to which your husband has been 
exposed? Do you not see that he was forced to play a 
false part in society, and even to declare himself a bache- 
lor, for the pTurpose of securing a good reception 1 

Mrs. D. Yes, the w^retch was so intensely agreeable. 



ScBNE I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 39 

that even I, who am horribly difficult to please, had near* 
ly fallen an unresisting victim, and forgetting all the worth 
and honor that are combined in Captain Maguire's heart 
^-[Offering her hand to the Captain, who kisses it.] — I had 
almost played him false and accepted your Mr. Fitz-Foley 
as a lover. 

Capt. Now, Mrs. Torrens, the only way you can secure 
your husband's return to his duty is by emancipating your- 
self and him from the dominion of Mr. Aminadab Sleek, 
and, if I may be permitted to say so, of Lady Creamly. 

Mrs, T. It is quite impossible, Captain Maguire, that I 
can forget the obligations which duty to my mother 
imposes on me. 

Mrs. D. [Crosses to Mrs. T.] In that case, my dear, 
you forget your duty to your husband ; and though I 
would not have you neglect your filial considerations, it 
also teaches you that your duty to your husband is to love, 
honor, and obey him. 

Mrs. T. There is no danger of that, for I find that 
Charles has returned to his usual routine, and he and Mr. 
Sleek are at this moment occupied in the great work. 

Capt. I will easily convince you to the contrary. At 
what hour this morningdid Charles go out, and whereto] 

Mrs. T. At twelve precisely, to meet Mr. Sleek. 

Capt. At a quarter past twelve precisely he was in 
Belgrave Square, where he found the door of our dear 
friend, Mrs. Qi-msby Delmaine, closed against him. 

Mrs. D. Yes, my dear; your naughty husband would 
see me, but I was denied, and I am determined not to see 
him until he brings his charming wife to ask his pardon. 

Capt. And where do you think he is going to-night,,? 

Mrs. T. He dines with us at the sister of Mr. Sletfk's, 
and will spend his evening in our usual serious and 
discreet manner. 

Capt. Not a bit of it ; he has accepted an invitation for 
dinner with the officers of the Guards, and he has asked 
me to present him in the evening at Lady Blank's, in 
Cavendish Square, with the hope of meeting our charm- 
ing friend, whose pursuit he is not inclined to rehnquish. 

Mrs. T. What is to be done, and what do you require 
of me? 

Mrs. D. Tho fact is, my dear Eve, Captain Maguiro 



40 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [Act IIa 



and I have arranged it all. In orJer to show Mr. Torrena 
that you are no longer at the mercy of Mr. Sleek and 
Lady Creainly,, we have determined that you shall give a 
ball to-night. We have issued tickets to all your friends 
and I will present you to several of mine. The music 
and the refreshments are ordered, and you have nothing 
to do but make yourself look as handsome as possible, and 
surprise your husband with an unexpected pleasure. 
\Charles speaks outside.] And, by the way, here he comes, 
just at the very fortunate moment when his presence is 
so desired. [Maguire goes up and comes down r. 

Enter Charles, r., seeing Mrs. Delmaine he starts, but 
quickly recovers himself. 

Charles. Ah ! Mrs. Delmaine, I am delighted to see 
you in this house, and I feel obliged by your early return- 
ing my wife's visit. [Crosses to Mrs. Torrens.] Bon jour, 
ma petite ! [ To Captain.] Ah, Maguire ! how are you ? 
It is an unlooked-for pleasure to find you here. 

Capt. My dear fellow, I just called to know at what 
hour we are to go to Lady Blank's to-night. 

Charles. \ Aside to Captain.] Don't be absurd, ray wife 
knows nothing of my engagement. 

Capt. [Not heeding hip.] There is to be an immense 
squeeze. The Duchess de B., and the Countess de F., 
and the Spanish beauty Donna Inez de Valencia, and 
valses, and polkas, and to crown the affair, Mrs. Ormsby 
Delmaine will, I have no doubt, have the felicity to meet 
you. [To Mrs. D.] If I mistake not, Mr. Torrens is 
engaged to you for the first polka. 

Mrs. T. Sir, my husband does not polk. [Crosses to R., 
goes up and doicn r. c. 

Capt. [Aside.] Courage, Charley, now is the decisive 
moment ! 

Mrs. v. [Aside.] Fail now, and you are lost forever. 

Charles. [ With affected courage.] Yes, my dear Mrs 
Ormsby Delmaine, the first polka, the first valse, and a 
myriad of quadrilles. 

Mrs. D. Oh, you unreasonable man ! 

Capt. [Aside to Mrs. Torrens.] You see, madam, the 
wdy chance of keeping your husband home at night, ist» 



Scene I] THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 41 

claim him as your partner for the first p fllka, t'ne first 
valse, and a myriad of quadrilles. 

Mrs. 2\ [Aside, hesitating.] Have it as you will; I 
agree to everything*. 

Capt. [To Charles.] Huzza! we have reached the win 
ning post — the day's our own ! 

Charles. [Dancing about the stage, aud snapping hit 
fingers in the air.] Bravo ! bravo ! that for old Aminadab 
Sleek Bnd Lady Creamly ! 

In his transport he throws about the papers. At this 
moment Lady Creamly and Mr. Sleek enter^ l., 
she. with bonnet on^ and he with hat and umhrella. 

Lady C. In the name of goodness] what are you 
about 1 

Charles. Only putting the house in order. 

Lady C. [Seeing Mrs. Delmaine and the Captain, bow 
very stijiy, and scarcely recognizes them. They return her 
salute in the same manner.] 1 am going first to dinner, as I 
have one or two commissions by the way. You, Mr. 
Sleek, will follow us as soon as possible, and — [To Mrs, 
Torrens.] — you, my dear, and Mr. Torrens will not delay. 
You know that our dear friend's hours are not those of 
fashionable life. [Crosses to r. 

Charles. Dear mamma, my head aches so severely it is 
impossible I can go out to-day. 

Sleek. Why, Mr. Torrens, I never saw you looking 
better in my life. 

Capt. You're quite mistaken in your prognosis. — 
Charles's nerves are all shook to atoms. 

Lady C. Well, then, daughter, you and Emma will 
come as soon as possible. I will send the carriage for 
you. 

Mrs. T. Oh, dear mamma, my nerves are also much 
a^ected. 

Mrs. D. Excuse me. Lady Creamly, but Mrs. Charles 
Torrens must stay at home to take care of her husband. 
The duty of a wife is superior to all other considera- 
tions. 

Mk^. T. Be so kind, Mr. Sleek, as tc make my compli 
ments and excuses to your sister; my husband's indis- 
position prevents me the pleasure cf waiting on her as I 



42 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT 111 

intended. [Crosses to Charles.] Come, dear husband, we, 
must sec what can be done for you. 

[Exeunt Charles and Mrs. Torrens^ L. 
Lady C. [To Mrs. Delmainc.] I suspect this is all your 
doing, madam. 

Mrs. D. [Affecting not to understand 7ier.] I would be 
very happy, but really I'm engaged. 

Sleek. [Going up to the Caj>lain\ I much fear, Captain, 
Murphy Maguire, you are meddling with m.attei's you do; 
not understand. 

Capt. [Also affecting not to understand him.] I am really 
veiy sorry, it's quite out of my power to oblige you. 

[Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamly look at each other with 
astonishment. 
Lady C. [Aside to Sleek.] There is something a.wful 
going on here, which I cannot understand. I will leave 
you to unravel the mystery if you can, and secure Emma 
as I much fear my son-in-law has some designs on her 
independence. 

[Exits R., disdainfully^ not noticivg Mrs. Dehnaine or 
the Captain. 
Capt. [Doivn K.] Huzza ! the enemy has beat a retreat 
without beat of a drum or blast of trumpet. Now Mr. 
Aminadab Sleek, you are our prisoner; at any rate wo 
are two to one against you. Do you surrender at dis- 
cretion ? 

Mrs. D. Mr. Sleek, have you the discretion to surren- 
dei-? 

Capt. I want you to inveigle Lady Creamly — 
Sleek. I never inveigled any female in my life. 
Mrs. D. The greater the honor, if you succeed with 
Lady Creamly. The truth is, that between ycni both you 
have converted the house of Mr. Torrens into a state 
prison, and the Captain and I are determined to release 
him. 

Capt. Now, sir, in di).uble quick time, or in no time at 
^11 — are we to treat you as a friend or an enemy 1 

Sleek. It is quite indifferent how I am treated by you j 
my interests are not of this house, nor of this hemi« 
sphere. 

Capt, Of course not ; nor have you any personal 
interest, except the getting of Miss Torrens's fortune 



Scrttt l.]^' THE BfiRIOirs FAMILY, 43 

into your hands, by marrying her to young Stiaight-hair, 
your nephew. 

Sleek. As a worm, I forgive you ; as a irian, I despise 
your hints and inuendoes. 

Capt. Make up your pious mind that not a shilling of 
the young lady's property will pass your iingei*s. Her 
brother and guardian has already made choice of a hus- 
band — a decent young fellow, with a live heart in his 
bosom. And here comes Emma Torftns herself, who, 
if you should have any ugly doubts on the subject, will 
clear them up, I dare answer. 

Enter Emma in a hall'dresSyh, 

Emma. Captain Maguire, is it not a love of a dress t 
Do I please you ? 

Sleek. Heaven preserve me ! what do I see 1 

Mrs. D. You are charmingly dressed, and 1 suppose 
you are ready to accompany Mr. Aminadab Sleek, who 
is waiting to escort you to his sister. 

Ernma. I fear, Mr. Sle^k, you will have to make my 
excuse, as I am engaged to a ball this evening. 

Sleek. A ball ! an abomination ! Lady Crearaly will 
put a stop to these wicked mummeries ! 

Enter Frank Vincent, r. 

Frank. [Running in.] Captain Maguire, we are all 
ready. Gunter's people have come with a hamper of 
silver forks ; there are mountains of cream, and whole 
lakes of wenham ice; and Jullien, and Kcenig, and the 
band, are coming up stairs. 

Sleek. What means this awful outbreak] — the house 
vill be defiled-! 

Gapt. We are going to have a bUl to-night. 

[Sleek groans. 

Capt. You may stay and dance if you like. Mr. and 
Mrs. Torrens have resolved, as you will not let them go 
to the world, to make the world come to them. 

Sleek. A ball here ! ,oh ! [Groans.] I will go for Lady 
Creanily, and make you all repent this conduct. 

Mrs: D. It will be time lost, Mr. Sleek; and I would 
recommend you to compound with your conscience, as 



44 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 



[Act la 



you have often done before, and as I have already advised, 
come over to our side. 

Sleek. \ To Emmn, bursting with rage.] As for you— 
Miss — Miss \ — 

Capi. Softly, Mr. Sleek, the British flag protects Miss 
Torrens. 

Sleek. I see there is a conspiracy against us — I will 
speak to Mrs. Torrens. 

Emma. No, Mr.''Sleek; my sister is dressing for the 
ball, she must not be disturbed. 

Sleek. [Returns much mortified, and puis on his hat.] I 
will go for Lady Creamly ! [His hat falls off^ he picks it 
up and puts it on again.] Yes, for Lady Creamly— 
[Going, his hat falls off again ; returns — to Captain.] I 
will make you responsible for everything! 

[His hat falls of a third time ; as he is going out he 
picks it up, and exits foaming with rage. All 



Capt. Huzza ! the coast is clear — but, I fear, far a 
short time only, as that old sinner will be sure to bring back 
Lady Creamly — so let us each to our respective posts to 
get the ball in train before her ladyship arrives. [ To Mrs. 
Delmaine.] You and Emma will have the kindness to 
see the decorations are in order* You can accompany 
them, Frank, as their loyal esquire. The supper and 
wines I take under my especial charge. And, now, Eng- 
land expects that every man — 

Mrs, D. And woman — 

Capt. And woman — will do his duty ! 

[Exeunt Captain r. / Frederick, Emma, and Mrs. Del- 
maine, c.) 

Enter Charles, full dressed, l. 

Charles. No one in the way ; I think 1 can get off to 
Lady Blank's without being perceived. That damned 
Maguire had nearly spoiled all my plans, but, fortunately, 
I escaped exactly in the nick of time. 

Enter Mrs. Torbf.ns, elegantly/ attired, l. 

Good heavens ! what do I see 1 Mrs. Torrens in full- 
dress 1 Well, my dear, what extraordinary fancy has 
taken you to-night ? 



fcENE I. THE SERIOUS FAMILY. 45 

Mrs. T. I may ask the same question, Mr. Torrens j for 
I see, by your costume, you are bent on conquest. 

Charles. \Tendcrly.\ Eve, the only conquest I wish to 
make is here. 

Mrs. T. Ah, Charles ! you mock me. 

Charles. \ Taking her hand.^ No, my dear. In truth, T 
never saw you looking so handsome. These jewels, and 
this dress, become you most admirably. 

Mrs. T. If you are pleased, I am happy. But now, 
dear Charles, let us have a few moments' explanation, 
for, perhaps, on the experiment of this night all our future 
Viappiness depends. 

Charles. Dearest Eve, I am all attention. 

Mrs. T. Charles, you have not been sincere with me. 
You found me a young creature accustomed only to obey 
the voice of my mother, and ignorant that I had 
other duties, but those she imposed on me, to fulfil. 
You should have told me the little world in which I 
lived, was not the world in which you, and other reasona- 
ble creatures in our sphere of life, existed. I now find 
that 1 have been wrong — very wrong indeed, and that if 
you have gone a little' on your side astray the fault is all 
my own. 

Charles. Ah, Eve ; you are too kind, too amiable ; the 
fault is all mine. 1 should have known better what a 
treasure I possessed. 

Mrs. T. I am now determined, dearest Charles, to give 
you no excuse for seeking amusement abroad, by giving 
it you at home. We have, henceforth, but one mind, one 
heart ; and in spite of all Mr. Sleek or Lady Creamly 
may say, we shall be as gay and happy— with prudence, 
and in season, of course — as other people of our rank 
and fortune. 

Charles. You are an angel. Eve ; and firom this moment 
I swear eternal fidelity. 

Enter Captain r. ; Mrs. Delmaine, Emma, c. 

Welcome ! a thousand limes welcome ! I am the happiest 
of men ; and here is the most angelic creature in ex- 
istence. Ask no explanations, but we are now the hap- 
piest coiiple in the world. YoLr hand, Maguire ; it is to 
your spirit and courage I owe this moment of liberty 



46,, T5B SERIOUS FAMILY. [ACT III 

And to you, dear Mrs. Delmaine, I offer a true fiien4, in 
lieu of a false lover. 

Enttir Frank, c. 

Frank. " Sauve qui peut." Lady Creamly and oW 
Sleek ! 

Capt, Stand firm, Charley ! ^ 

Mrs. D. Courage, dearest madam ! 
Emma. Oh, we're lost ! we're lost ! 

Enter Lady Creamly, followed by Sleek. — SJie throws 
herself in a posture of violent qnger^ Sleek stands behind 
her, hypocritically raising his hands. She does not 
perceive cither^ of the three ladies , the three gentlemen 
standing before them. 

Lady G. [Violently.] What's this I see? What's this 
I hear ? Who has dared to turn this house ioto a house 
of sin and iniquity ? 

Sleek. An abode of Agapemenons! 

Capt. Why, my lady, I am afraid the blame must rest 
with me. 

Lady C. [Haughtily.] I spoke not k) you, sir ; where 
is my daughter i 

Sleek. Where is her sole offspring ? 

[The Captain who has been star ding before Mrs, 
Torrens, moves aside and dur.ovtirs her. 

Lady C. [Screains with horror. { Oii! what do I «ee ? 
Witchcraft — silk» satins, flowers, v.i'J je'^f els ! Are we in 
Bedlam? 

Mrs. T. Why, dear mamma, it is only a ball. 

Lady C. A ball ! are you rr.dd, child ? 

Sleek. You can't dance without af license — call J-^ tht» 
police, even Government cannot defer that tax on hops. 

Lady C. [ To Charles.] Explain this, Mr. Charles Tor- 
teos. 

Capt. [Aside.] Stand firm, or you're lost ! 

[Charles hesitatingly steps aside and discovers Ermna, 

Emma. [Advancing.] It is only a nice little ball, Lc^dy 
Creamly. 

Sleek. Child of polkamania ! Cellarius infaot ! 

JVr«-.v. T. It's only a ball, mamma, I give in honor of raj 
husband's birth-day. 



•f;fcNi: I.] THE SERIOUS FAMILY 47 

Charles. Yes, dear mamma, a little dance in honor of 
my birth-day. . 

Frank. [Coming forward, discovers Mrs. Dematne,] 
Merely a valse and a polka. 

Sleek. And that widow of profane Ephesus. 

Mrs. D. Yes, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, for once in my 
life 1 am tempted to join the solemn circle of a serious 
family, but only in the hope of bringing cheerfulness and 
geniality, where hitherto have been groans and sighs and 
Btraight-laced formality. 

Charles. To speak plainly, Lady Creamly, this is my 
house, and for the future I am determined to be master 
in it. I will have no longer puritanical faces and 
starched behavior about me. I'll see happy countenances, 
smiles and cheerfulness. 

Sleek. Then look at us. 

Mrs. T. [Crosses to Ladij Creamly.] Yes, mamma, we 
love you very dearly ; but Charles and I are commencing 
a new system. 

Lady C. What do I hear % Suj^port me, Mr. Sleek. 

Sleek. Morally I would, but physically I can't. 

Lady C. Must I renounce you for ever ] Daughter, I 
command you to follow me \ 

Mrs. T. Dear mamma, one's first duty is to obey one's 
husband, and Charles has ordered me to stay. 

Lady C. [ To Emma.] As for Miss Insolence-^come 
hither! 

Emma, Pardon me^ Lady Creamly, Charles is my guar- 
dian, and has ordered me to stay. 

Lady C. [ To. Mrs. Delmaine.] And you, madam, will 
inatantly leave my house. 

Mrs. D. Pardon me. Lady Creamly, this gentleman, my 
intended husband, has ordered me to stay. 

Capt. (r.) And the three pair of us will make a mighty 
pretty couple. 

1/a^w.C. Why, this is rebellion. ^ :» 

Charles. No, mamma, only a revolution. 

Sleek. Insurrection, if it doesn't succeed. 
Charles. [The Jirst bar of a polka is heard.] Ah! there's 
the polka — partners and places. 

Lady C. Vice and vanity ! Ungrateful children, I 
banish you forever ! Come, Mr. Sleek. 



i8 THE SERIOUS FAMILY. [j^CT IIL 

Sleek. Your wicked saltations won't last. No ) though 
it's a long time, there'tS a good time coming ! 

[Sleek gives his hand, and they walk off majestically. 
The doors at the hack of the stage ure thrown open, 
and disclose a, hall-room, richly ornamented and 
lighted vp. The Orchestra play Folka 'pianissimo. 
Captain gives his arm to the widow ; Frank Vincent 
to Emma ; and Charles to Mrs. Torrens. Guests 
dancing. 
Charles. [Eubhing his hands.] This is a capital day's 
•hooting. 

[The following lines are spoken to the polka air VfhUi 
dancing.] 

Charles. Isn't this joy, my darling Eve % 
Mrs. T. Joy with you the danc«» to weave. 
Frank. Oh ! may I really call you mine ? 
Emma. Partner for life, dear Frank, I'm thine! 
Capt. I'll be the model for husband's lives. 
Mn. D, I'll be the pattern of faithful wives ! 
Capt. Ch ies, isn't this a heavenly scene ? 
Mrs. D. And angels we — that's what you mean \ 
Mrs. T. Gaily my husband's hours shall fly, 

I vow it. 
Emma. And I ! 
Mrs. D. And I ! 

Capt. And I ! 

Charles. Then, if we've pleased our generous friondi. 
Gaily Tnfe Serious Family ends. 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF THE 
CURTAIN. 

Mas. D. Maguire. Mrs. T. Charles. Emma. Fraitk. 
R. R. c. c. L. c. lu 



le 

its 

[book 

icket- 
ision 
tru- 



ll 



(i'atilogu: continued from secoruJ page of cover.) 



VOL. XLI. 

'he Pirate's Legac 
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No. 14. Uncle Jeff. 

15. The Mischievous Nig-g-er. 

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19. Oh, Hush ! or. The Vir- 

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VOL. I. 
I Tbe Irish Attorney 
3 Boots at the Swan 
5 How to pay the Rent 
1 The Loan of a Lover 

5 The Dead Shot 

6 Hia Last Legs 

7 The Invisible Prince 

8 The Golden Farmer 

VOL. II. 

9 Pride of the Market 

Vsed Up 

1 The Irish Tutor 
:2 The Barrack Room 
[3 Luke the Laborer 
L4 Beauty and the Beast 

15 St. Patrick's Eve 

16 Captain of the Watch 

VOL. III. 

17 The Secret Ipers 

18 White Horse of the Pep 

19 The Jacobite 

20 The Bottle 

21 Box and Cox 

22 Bamboozling 

23 Widows Victim 

24 Robert Macaire 

VOL, IV. 

25 Secret Service 

26 Omnibus 

27 Irish Lion 

28 Maid of Croissy 

29 The Old Guard 
80 Raising the Wind 

31 Slasher and Crasher 

32 Naval Engagements 

VOL. V. 

33 Cocknies in California 
, 34 Who Speaks First 

35 Bombastea Furioso 

36 Macbeth Traveatie 

37 Irish Ambassador 

38 Delicate Ground 

39 The Weathercock [Gold 

40 All that Glitters 

VOL. VI. 

41 Grimshaw, Bagshaw and 

Bradshaw 

42 Rough Diamond 

43 Bloomer Costume 

44 Two Bonnycastles 

45 Born to Good Luck 

46 Kiss in the Dark [jurer 

47 'T would Puzzle a Con 

48 Kill or Cure 

VOL. VII. 

49 Box and Cox Married and 

50 St. Cupid [Settled 

51 Go-to-bed Tom 

52 The Lawyers 

53 Jack Shepe|r<l 
54TheToodle^ 
55 The Mobcap 
66 Ladies Beware 

VOL. VIII. 

57 Morning Call 

58 Popping the Question 

59 Deaf as a Post 
I 60 New Footman 

61 Pleasant Neighbor 

62 Paddy the Piper 

63 Brian OLinn 

64 Irish Assurance 

I VOL. IX. 

65 Temptation 

66 Paddy Carey 

67 Two Gregories 

68 King Charming 

69 Po ca-hon-tas 
70Clockmaker's Hat 
71 Married Bake 
73 Love and Murder 



VOL. X. 

73 Ireland and America 

74 Pretty Piece of Business 

75 Irish Broom maker 

76 To Paris and Back for 
Five Pounds 

77 That Blessed Baby 

78 Our Gal 

79 Swiss Cottage 

80 Young Widow 
VOL. XI. 

81 OFlannigan and the Fa- 

82 Irish Post [ries 

83 Mv Neighbor's Wife 

84 Irish Tiger 
8b P . P • . or Man and Tiger 

86 To Oblige Benson 

87 State Secrets 

88 Irish Yankee 
VOL. XII. 

89 A Good Fellow 

90 Cherry and Fair Star 

91 Gale Breezely 

92 Our Jemimy 

93 Millers Maid 

94 Awkward Arrival 

95 Crossing the Line 

96 Conjugal Lesson 

VOL. XIII. 

97 My Wife's Mirror 

98 Life in New York 

99 Middy Ashore 

100 Crown Prince 

101 Two Queens 

102 Thumping Legacy 

103 Unfinished Gentleman 

104 House Dog 
VOL. XIV. 

105 The Demon Lover 

106 Matrimony 

107 In and Out of Place 
103 I Dine with My Mother 
109 Hi-awa-tha 

I vj^.^. 110 Andy Blake 
is Not 111 Love in '76 ^. [*'«» 

112 Romance under Dimcul 
VOL. XV. 

113 One Coat for 2 Suits 

114 A Decided Case 

115 Daughter [nority 

116 No ; or, the Glorious Mi 

117 Coroner's Inquisition 

118 Love iu Humble Life 

119 Family Jars 

120 Personation 
VOL. XVL 

121 Children in the Wood 

122 Winning a Husband 

123 Day after the Fair 

124 Make Your Mills 

125 Rendezvous 

126 My Wife's Husband 
Il27 Monsieur Tonson 

128 Illustrious Stranger 



VOL. XIX. 

145 Columbus \ 

146 Harlequin Bluebeard ' 

147 Ladies at Home 



VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Crinoline 

218 A Family Failing 

219 Adopted Child 



221 A Match iu the Dark 

222 Advice to Husband! 

223 Siamese Twins 

224 Sent to the Tower 
VOL. XXIX 

225 Somebody Else 
'J26 Ladies' Battle 
2.^7 Art of Acting 
•228 The Lady of the Lions 
2'29The Rights of Man 

30 My Husband 8 Ghost 
231 Two Can Play at tl 

Game , 

!32 Fighting by Proxy 
VOL. XXX. 



148 Phenomenon in a Smoc^lj220 'furnedjread^s 

Frock 
U9 Comedy and Tragedy 

150 Opposite Neighbors 

151 Dutchman's Ghost 

152 ferseouted Dutchman 
VOL. XX. 

153 Musard Ball 

154 Great Tragic Revival 

155 High Low Jack & Gam 

156 A Gentleman from Ire 

157 Tom and Jerry [la 

158 Village Lawyer 

159 Captain's not A-miss 

160 Amateurs and Actors 
VOL. XXI. 

161 Promotion (uat33 Unprotected Fema' 

162 A Fascinating Individ|34 Pet of the Petticoa, 

163 Mrs. Caudle 

164 Shakspeare's Dream 

165 Neptune's Defeat 

166 Lady of Bedchamber 

167 Take Care of Liti 

168 Irish Widow [Charl. 
VOL. XXU. 

169 Yankee Peddlar 

170 Hiram Hireout 

171 Double-Bedded Room 

172 The Drama Defended i 

173 Aermont Wool Deal?/ 

174 Ebenezer Venture r 

175 Principles from Chai- 
176Ladyof theLa\:e (T) ) 

VOL. XXIII. 

177 Mad Dogs 

178 Barney the Baron 

179 Swiss Swains 

180 Bachelors Bedroon 

181 A Roland fov an Olr 

182 >Iore Blunder* tharae 

183 Dumb Belle 

184 Limerick Boy 
VOL. XXIV. 

185 Nature and Philosiy 

186 Teddy the Tiler 



i 



187 Spectre Bridgrooi 

188 Matteo Falcone 

189 Jenny Lind 

190 Two Buzzards 

191 Happy Man 

192 Betsy Baker 

VOL. XXV. 

193 No. 1 Round the C cr 

194 Teddy Roe 

195 Object of Interest 

196 My Fellow Clerk 

197 Bengal Tiger 

198 Laughing Hyena 
Il99 The Victor VanqvEd 

200 Our Wife 
VOL. XXVI. 

201 My Husband's Mi 



VOL. XVII ,- , , ^ 

129 Mischief-Making [Mines 202 Yankee Land 

130 A Live Woman in the 203 Norah Creina 



131 The Corsair 

132 Shylock 

133 Spoiled Child 

134 Evil Eye 

135 Nothing to Nurse 

136 Wanted a Widow 

VOL. XVIII. 

137 Lottery Ticket 

138 Fortune' b Frolic 

139 Is he Jealous? 

140 Married Bachelor 

141 Husband at Sight 

142 Irishman in London 

143 Animal Magnetism 

144 Highways and Bywaysl 



204 Good for Nothing 

205 The First Night 

206 The Eton Boy 

207 Wandering Minsti 

208 Wanted, 1000 Millra 

VOL. xxvn. 

209 Poor Pilcoddy 

210 The Mummy l<*-'>''f;'282 

211 Don'tPorgetyourtt283 

212 Love in Livery _J234 

213 Anthony and Cleo; I 

214 Trying It On. 1*6 

215 Stige Struck Yar«J^7 

216 Young Wife & '» *-"' 
brella 



35 Forty and Fiftv ',., 

36 Who Stole the P'-jbook 

37 My Son Diana Scket- 

38 Unwarrantable Ini -if,- 

39 Mr. and Mrs. Whitt't:". 
!40 A Quiet Family , 

VOL. XXXI. 
J41 Cool as Cucumber 
''242 Sudden Thoughta 
43 Jumbo Jum 
244 A Blighted Being 

45 Little Toddlekins 

46 A Lover by Proxy [Pi 
247 Maid with the Milki^jj 

48 Perplexing Predloamfj- ' 
VOL. XXXII. Jat 

249 Dr. Dilworfli 

250 Out to Nurse 

251 A Lucky Hit 

252 The Dowager 

253 Mefamora (E' jple 

254 Dreams of ""^.^jelnsii- 

255 The Sha' ^er Lovei""^ 

256 Ticklisti Times ^, 
„„ „„^f''L. XXXIII. 

257 20 '.jiDutes with a Tiger 
'258 Mi ralda: or. the Justice ! 

ofTsion 

259 / 1. Soldier's Courtship 

260 ■ 3ervants L.y Legacy 

261 ! Dying for Love 

262 Alarming Sacrifice 

263 Valet de Sham j 

264 Nicholas Nickleby ,' 
VOL. XXXIV. i 

265 The Last of the Pig.allj 

266 King Rene's Daughter 

267 The Grotto Nymph 
'268 A Devilish Good Joke 
•269 A Twice Told Tale 

270 Pas de Fascination 

271 Revolutionary Soldlerll 

272 A Man M'ithout a Head N 
VOL. XXXV. 

273 The Olio, Parti 

274 The Olio, Part 2 
375 The Olio, Parts [terj 

6 The Trumpeter's Daugh-I 

7 Seeing Warren 



■V Green Mountain Boy 
^>ThatNose 

Noddy's Secret 
VOL. XXXVI. 
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